Subtitles by DJ Hupp BardSubs.com
[This first scene is not in the Shakespeare play]
[Apparently the scene is just to Illustrate what we just read in opening titles]
[The Christians hated the Jews for their Loan Shark practices (usury)]
[Establishing the characters of Antonio and Bassanio]
[Still not to the Shakespeare text yet]
[This guy is Lorenzo]
[There is going to be a Jessica]
[Do we even need subtitles? they are really dumbing this down]
[This is where the Shakespeare script actually starts]
To be honest, I don't know why I am so sad.
I'm tired of it and you say you are too.
And if I don't know why I'm depressed, I have a lot to learn about myself.
You're thinking about your ships sailing on the ocean.
Trust me dude, if I was involved in business like yours,
Most of my mental energy would be focused on that too.
I'd be constantly tossing blades of grass, to see which way the wind blows.
Looking over maps to find the best ports, piers, and roads.
And any little thing that jeopardizes my business,
would certainly stress me the fuck out.
Blowing on my hot soup would stress me out
I'd think of what a strong wind at sea could do to my ships.
Trust me, that's not it.
Well then, you must be in love.
Fuck off!
Not in love either?
Then let's just say you're sad...
because you're not happy.
Here comes Bassanio.
- Good morning, dude. - When are we going to hang out?
Whenever you have time.
- Bassanio. - Sir.
Bassanio, since you have found Antonio, we're taking off.
You don't look so good, Antonio.
You are too serious.
Scared money never wins.
The world is what it is, Gratiano
a stage where every man has a role to play, I play a sad one.
Let's go, Lorenzo.
Goodbye for now. I'll finish my Ted Talk after dinner.
Later.
Gratiano is full of shit,
more than anyone else in Venice.
Well?
Tell me now...
what you promised to tell me.
As you well know, Antonio, I've squandered my fortune,
but my main concern is to pay off my huge debts,
which with all my extravagant spending
I've been stuck with.
To you, Antonio, I owe the most in money and gratitude,
and because of your kindness, I feel obligated to tell you my plan
of how I'll pay back my debts.
Please, Bassanio, tell me your plan.
And, if your plan is as honorable as you are,
rest assured, my money, myself, anything I can do
will be available to you.
In Belmont there is a woman who has inherited a lot of money.
and she is smokin' hot, but even better,
she is a good person.
Sometimes, she's looked at me...
with "fuck me" eyes.
Her name is Portia, she is just as hot as Cato's daughter and Brutus' wife.
Everyone knows how wealthy she is,
from all around the world, suitors come to try to marry her.
Oh, Antonio,
If I only had the money to stand a chance against them.
I would, without a doubt, be successful.
You know all my money is tied up in the cargo on my ships.
I don't have the money or the goods to get you that kind of cash.
So, let's go
and see what my good credit in Venice is worth.
We'll get as big a loan as possible, to get you to Belmont,
and that hot piece of ass, Portia.
I swear, Nerissa,
- I'm so tired of this big world. - You'd be tired, sweetie...
if your troubles were proportional to your good fortune.
But, it seems to me,
Rich bitches are just as miserable as poor bitches.
If doing the right thing, was as easy as knowing the right thing,
Small chapels would be big churches,
and poor men's cottages would be princes' palaces.
But thinking like this won't help me choose me a husband.
Oh, fuck me! The word "choose"!
I can't choose who I like or refuse who I dislike.
This is the shit I have to deal with. Being a daughter controlled by her dead father.
Isn't this totally fucked, Nerissa, that I can't choose or refuse a husband
Your father was a good dude,
and religious men, on their deathbeds, have ideas with good intentions.
So we have the lottery, that he came up with
with these three chests of gold and silver and lead,
And whoever chooses the right one, will marry you
And surely the one who chooses correctly, will be the right man for you.
Right.
Are you into any of these dudes here?
Please, run down the list. And as you name them, I will describe them,
and you can guess by my description, how I feel about them.
What do you think about the French lord, Monsieur Le Bon?
Oh, God.
God made him, so I guess he counts as a man.
I know it is a sin to talk shit, but this dude...!
What about Falconbridge, the young baron of England?
He's dressed like a weirdo!
And the Duke of Saxony's nephew?
I hate him in the morning when he's sober,
and really hate him in the afternoon when he is drunk.
Oh Nerissa!
Wait! Wait.
If he wants to choose, and chooses the right chest,
you will be disobeying your father's wishes if you turn him down.
So, in case shit hits the fan, please,
put a big glass of wine on the wrong chest
I will do anything, Nerissa, to avoid marrying a drunk.
Three thousand ducats.
Hmm.
Yes, sir, for three months.
For three months?
That is the amount, as I told you,
Antonio is guaranteed to pay.
Antonio is guaranteed to pay?
Will you help me? Will you agree to the loan?
Will you tell me your answer?
Three thousand ducats for three months,
and Antonio will guarantee the loan.
What is your answer?
Antonio is a good man.
Have you heard anyone say he isn't?
No. No, no, no, no. What I mean by saying he's a good man
is that he has a reputation for paying his debts.
But his investments are uncertain.
He has a ship headed to Tripolis, another to the Indies.
I also hear, from the people in Rialto, he has a third ship going to Mexico,
a fourth headed to England,
and other ventures he has invested in abroad.
But ships are just wood,
sailors are just men,
there are rats on land and sea,
water thieves and land thieves.
I mean pirates.
Then there's dangerous waters, winds, and rocks.
But despite these risks, he has an excellent credit score.
Three thousand ducats.
I think I'll agree to this loan.
- He's totally good for it. - Can I speak with Antonio?
Would you like to have dinner with us.
Yeah, right. To smell pork? Fuck that.
to eat the animal that your prophet Jesus turned the devil into?
I will buy with you, sell with you, walk with you, talk with you, and so on,
but I will not eat with you, or drink with you,
or pray with you.
Who is that?
It's Sir Antonio. Antonio!
Antonio.
He looks like a fucking tax collector.
Shylock! Shylock, are you listening?
I'm thinking about how much cash I have on hand,
and as best as I can remember, I don't have the sum
of three thousand Ducats.
But Tubal, a wealthy Jew I know, will spot me.
Benjamin. Go, find Tubal.
But wait, how many months do you need it?
Hello, good sir.
We were just talking about you.
- Does he know how much money you need? - Oh yes, three thousand ducats.
And for three months.
Ah, I forgot. Three months, you did say that.
But wait, uh... I thought you said you didn't lend or borrow with interest.
- I don't. - Okay...
Three thousand ducats, that's a nice round number.
Three months... out of twelve.
Let's see what the rate is.
Well, Shylock,
Will you loan us the money?
Sir Antonio...
Many times, and often in the Rialto,
you've talked shit about me for charging interest on my loans.
But, I've always put up with your shit.
Because that's what Jews do.
You called me a heretic,
a dirty dog,
and spit on my Jewish clothes.
All because I use my money to make a profit.
Well, now it looks like you need my help.
You've come to me and say, "Shylock, we need money."
You asked me!. You, who spit on my beard
and kicked me, like you'd kick a stray dog out your door.
Now you're asking for money. How should I respond?
Shouldn't I say, "Does a dog have money?
"Is it possible for a mutt to lend three thousand ducats?"
Or should I bow down
and, in a submissive voice, with bated breath whisper humbly and say:
"Good sir, you spit on me last Wednesday,
"one time you insulted me, another time you called me a dog."
"And because you're so courteous, I'll lend you the money you need. "
I'll probably call you a dog and spit on you again, and insult you too.
If you'll lend us the money, don't lend it as your friends.
because when did friends charge interest?
Lend it instead to your enemy, because if I default,
you won't feel bad about punishing me .
Don't get your panties in a bunch. I want to be friends with you
and be cool with you.
Forget about how you've humiliated me.
Take my loan, you won't pay any interest for my money...
but you won't listen to me.
This is a kind offer.
That is a kind offer.
I'll prove my kindness.
Come with me to a notary
and sign this agreement.
And just for shits an giggles...
If you can't pay it back on the agreed-upon day...
at the agreed-upon place, the amount in the contract,
the penalty will be...
a pound of your pretty flesh
to be cut off and taken
from whatever part of you body I want.
That's cool with me.
I'll agree to that,
and I'll even say, the Jews are very kind.
Don't agree to those terms. I'd rather go without the money.
Don't worry about it, dude.
I can pay it back.
In the next two months, a month before I have to pay him back,
I'm going to make nine times the value of this loan.
Oh father Abraham, These Christians are so fucked up,
They are such assholes, they suspect the worst in others.
Please, tell me...
If he defaults on the loan, what will I gain with this penalty?
A pound of a man's flesh is not worth shit,
or worth as much,
as the flesh of sheep, cows, or goats.
My offer is a favor to a friend .
If he accepts, great. If not, see ya.
And, for my kindness, please, don't shit on me.
Shylock...
I will agree to your terms.
Don't dislike me because I'm black,
my dark skin is a result of being born and raised under the sun.
Bring me the hottest dude born in the North,
where the sun barely thaws the ice,
and cut both of us, to win your love.
To prove my blood is redder than his.
I'm telling you,
lady, my black skin has frightened brave men.
But seriously, the ladies are super into it too.
I wouldn't change my skin color, unless you'd like me more.
When choosing a husband, I care about more than looks.
But my choice will be determined by lottery. It's not up to me.
But if my father hadn't robbed me of choosing,
by devising this clever game to make me the wife
of the man that wins the lottery I mentioned,
you, famous prince,
would have as good a chance as any other suitors I've met.
I'll take it, thank you.
So please, take me to the chests, so I can try my luck.
I pray you, Leonardo, these things being bought and orderly bestowed,
return in haste, for I do feast tonight my best esteemed acquaintance.
Let supper be ready at the latest by nine o'clock.
See that these letters are delivered.
And put the livery to the making.
Surely, I'll feel guilty if I run away from this Jew, my master.
Please tell me, where is the Jew's house?
Don't you recognize me, father?
Oh shit! You're all grown up.
How are you getting along with your master? I brought him a present.
He's starving me to death, Father. I'm happy you're here.
Give me your present, I'll give it to master Bassanio,
Who rarely gives his servants new uniforms.
- Gratiano. - I have a favor to ask of you.
- You got it. - Don't say no...
I have to go with you to Belmont.
Well, then you have to go. But listen, you are an arrogant asshole,
That's who you are. It's cool with me.
But when you are in a new place, your behavior comes off as very... crass.
Please, slow your roll, dude.
If you act like a dipshit, They will get the wrong idea about me.
and I'll blow my chance with Portia.
Sir Bassanio, hear me out.
If I'm not super chill, talk respectfully, and only swear occasionally,
look submissively, AND, during grace,
I'll pull my hat over my eyes,
and say, "Amen," never trust me again.
Well, we'll see how that goes.
But tonight doesn't count.
You can't judge me based on what happens tonight.
God bless you, sir.
Sir Bassanio.
Thank you so much.
Do you want something?
- This is my son, a poor boy. - Not a poor boy, sir,
I'm the rich Jew's servant, who wants....
as my father will explain.
He very much desires, sir, as they say, to serve.
Yes, sir. The point is,
I serve the Jew, but I want, as my father will explain.
I'll keep it short, the truth is, my father, being an old man, will give to you...
I have here a dish of doves that I will give to you, sir.
All I ask is...
In short, the request is about me.
as you will hear from this honest old man.
And, even though I'm saying it, this old poor man is my father.
Just one of you speak. What do you want?
- To work for you, sir. - That is the heart of the matter, sir.
You got it,
if you'd rather quit working for a rich Jew,
to work for a poor dude like me.
The old proverb is split between the two of you.
You have the grace of God, sir, and he has enough.
Well said. Get him a uniform way cooler than the others. Do it.
I'm sorry that you're quitting.
Our house sucks. But it was more fun with you here.
And Lancelot, at dinner tonight you'll see Lorenzo,
He's your new master's guest.
Give him this letter.
Do it secretly.
So goodbye.
I can't let my father see me talking to you.
See ya.
I'm speaking through my tears. You beautiful pagan, super sweet Jew.
Oh Lorenzo, if you keep your promise, I'll be done with this shit,
I'll become Christian and your loving wife.
Jessica?
Well.
You will see for yourself,
the difference between working for me and Bassanio.
You won't eat like a pig, like you did here,
or sleep and snore and wear out your clothes.
He won't allow it.
- Jessica, I'm calling for you! - Jessica!
Who told you to call for her?
I didn't tell you to do that.
You always told me not to do anything unless you told me to.
You called?
- What do you want? - I've been invited to dinner, Jessica.
Here are my keys.
But why should I go?
I wasn't invited because they like me.
They're just flattering me.
But I will go and eat at the expense of a wasteful Christian.
Jessica, my girl, look after my house.
I'm reluctant to leave it.
Some sort of shit is going to go down.
because I dreamt about money bags last night.
I beg you, sir, go.
My young master expects your disdain.
[he means: he expects him to be there]
And I expect his.
They've been planning this.
I won't promise that it will be a total rager,
but if it is, then it was an omen that I got a nosebleed
last Black Monday, at six o'clock in the morning.
Are they planning a rager?
Listen to me, Jessica,
don't climb up to the window,
or look out onto the street
to stare at Christian fools with painted faces.
Don't let not the noise of those idiots enter my super chill house.
Oh, I swear, I'm in no mood to go to dinner tonight.
But I will go.
Go ahead of me, servant. tell them I'll be there.
I'll go ahead, sir.
Mistress, look out the window.
You'll see a Christian boy worthy of your Jewish eyes.
What did that idiot Christian say to you ?
He said, "Goodbye, mistress." That's all.
That idiot is a good dude
but he eats so much.
and is so fucking lazy. he sleeps more than a cat.
So, I will fire him.
Well, Jessica, go inside. Maybe I'll return soon.
Do as I tell you.
Goodbye. And if I have any luck,
I'll lose a father, and you'll lose a daughter.
How will I know if I've chosen the right one?
The right one has my picture inside.
If you choose that one, then I'm yours.
God help me choose!
Let me see.
"Whoever chooses me must give and risk everything he has."
Must give up... for what?
For some lead? Risk everything for lead?
This chest's inscription is threatening.
No one risks everything, unless there is a chance of a big reward.
A smart dude doesn't bend down to pick up trash, right?
I'm not risking shit for lead. No fucking way.
What does the silver one say, that's shining like new?
"Whoever chooses me...
will get all that he deserves."
Think about that, Morocco,
and weigh your worth fairly.
By birthright, I deserve her, and by my wealth,
and by my talents and my super awesome genes!
What if I didn't go any further and chose this one?
"Whoever chooses me...
will get what many men...
want."
Well, that's Portia!
Every man in the world wants her!
From all around the world, they come to kiss this goddess,
this human saint.
Give me the key. I'll take my chance on this one.
Here, take it, Prince.
And if my picture is inside, I'm yours.
Aw, fuck.
What is this?
"All that glitters is not gold.
You've heard that saying.
Golden tombs are filled with worms.
Good luck out there...
you lose."
For all of my financial gains, Shylock, thans dude.
To super prominent acquaintances.
Antonio, cheers.
I know this handwriting Its fucking beautiful.
and the sexy hand the wrote it, is whiter than this paper.
A love letter, right?
Meet me tonight.
This is the roof which Lorenzo wants us to wait under?
He's going to be late.
And that's surprising, because lovers are usually early.
So true.
Who leaves a meal as hungry as when they sat down?
Hey dudes, sorry I'm late.
Hello! Who's in there?
Who are you?
Tell me, so I can be sure, even though I know your voice.
Lorenzo, your love.
Definitely Lorenzo, and certainly my love,
Who else do I love so much?
Who, other than you, know if I'm yours?
God knows you're mine.
Here! Catch this chest.
No!
It's worth the trouble.
I'm glad it's night. So you can't see me, because I'm ashamed of how I look.
But love is blind and lovers cannot see the silly things they do.
If they could, even Cupid would be embarrassed to see me disguised as a boy.
Come down. You have to be my torchbearer.
The torchbearer brings things to light. But I should be hidden.
You're still sexy, even when you're dressed like a boy.
Come now, It won't be night for long.
I will grab some money, and join you right away.
Damn, I'm crazy about her.
She is wise, if I'm any judge of character.
And super hot, if my eyes are functioning.
and she's loyal, as she's proven.
And being wise, hot, and loyal...
I am super into her.
No!
Who's there?
Sir Antonio!
For fucks sake, Gratiano.
It's ten o'clock, our friends are waiting for you.
There's no masquerade tonight.
The wind is blowing, Bassanio wants to ship out soon.
I sent twenty men to look for you.
I will hurry back
Don't rush for my sake. Stay as long as you need to.
And as for the loan I owe to the Jew, forget about it.
Be happy. Focus on how to win over your love,
that will get you through this shit.
I've never heard such a crazy outburst,
and just fucking nuts,
as the dog Jew shouted in the streets.
"My daughter! Oh my money! Oh my daughter!"
That piece of shit Jew complained to the Duke
who went with him to search Bassanio's ship.
He was too late, the ship had already set sail.
Antonio better pay the loan on time, or he'll be sorry.
Damn straight.
I spoke with a Frenchman yesterday.
He told me, that in the English Channel,
a Venetian ship wrecked, full of treasure.
I thought about Antonio and hoped it wasn't his ship.
Hurry! Hurry!
Please, the Prince of Arragon has sworn in
and is going to make his choice.
Music!
"Whoever chooses me must give and risk everything he has."
Maybe if you were hotter, I would risk everything.
What does the golden chest say?
Ha! Let's see.
"Whoever chooses me will get what many men want."
I won't choose what many men want
because I won't jump on the bandwagon
and be counted among the uncivilized population.
"Whoever chooses me
will get all that he deserves."
Well put...
I know what I deserve.
Give me the key for this chest.
I'll soon discover my fate.
He's taking too long to say what's in there.
What's this?
A picture of a retard with a scroll for me to read?
Don't I deserve more than a jester's head?
This is what I get?
Don't I deserve more than this?
You don't want me to answer that.
With one dumbshit head
I came here to show off my sweet moves.
But I leave with two.
Antonio's ship has wrecked, gone down with all the crew.
- What's the news on the Rialto? - Well, theres a rumor
that Antonio had a ship full of some pricey shit, that wrecked.
The Goodwins, a dangerous and deadly sandbar.
Where many ships have sunk.
What are you saying?
I hope this is all he loses.
What's up, Shylock?
What's the news from the merchants?
You knew my daughter planned to run away
You knew about it...
better than anyone.
Oh come on, you knew she wanted to run away.
but that's normal to grow up and leave home.
She's fucked now.
But tell us, have you heard if Antonio had any losses at sea?
He should worry about his loan.
He called me a loan shark. He should worry about his loan.
He lended money, without interest
He should worry about his loan.
Seriously, if he can't pay, you won't take his flesh, because why?
For fish bait.
If it won't feed anything else, it will at least feed my revenge.
He humiliated me
and cost me half a million Ducats,
talked shit about my losses and gains.
insulted Jews, fucked over my deals,
turned my friends against me Riled up my enemies. Why?
Because I'm a Jew!
Doesn't a Jew have eyes?
Doesn't a Jew have hands?
Bodily organs, a human shape?
Senses, feelings, emotions?
Eat the same food?
Wounded by the same weapons?
Susceptible to the same diseases?
Healed by the same medicine?
Warm in the Summer and cold in the Winter, just like Christian is?
If you stab us, don't we bleed?
If you tickle us, don't we laugh?
If you poison us, don't we die?
And if you fuck us over shouldn't we seek revenge?
If we are like you in every other way, we are like you in that way too.
If a Jew fucks over a Christian, what is his punishment? Revenge?
If a Christian fucks over a Jew,
what should his punishment be? According to what a Christian would do.
Of course, it's revenge.
I'm being an asshole because you guys are assholes.
But I am going to fuck your shit up more than what a Christian would do.
Antonio is at his house. We should go talk to him.
What's up, Tubal?
What's happening in Genoa?
Have you found my daughter?
I went to a bunch of places I heard she might be...
but I couldn't find her.
What...
the fuck?!
A diamond she took...
Cost me two thousand ducats in Frankfurt.
I've never felt the curse of the Jews until now.
I never felt it...
until now.
I wish my daughter was dead at my feet
with the diamond in her ear.
You haven't heard anything?
I've spent so much money.
The thief got away with so much and it takes more money to find the thief.
And no vindication, I haven't gotten revenge.
No one has bad luck
like I do.
No one else is suffering
except for me.
I am the only one crying.
Dude, other men have bad luck.
Antonio, I heard in Genoa...
What?
What, what? bad luck?
His ship wrecked, coming from Tripolis.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Fuck yeah!
What did you hear in Genoa?
Your daughter spent in Genoa,
so I heard,
in one night, eighty ducats.
Oh, you're fucking killing me.
I will never see my gold again.
Eighty fucking ducats!
In one night?!
Eighty ducats!
Several of Antonio's creditors who I traveled with to Venice
say he will default on your loan.
That's awesome!
I'll fuck his shit up.
I'll torture him. This is great.
One of them showed me a ring that your daughter used to pay
for a monkey.
That bitch!
Tubal, you asshole.
That was my turquoise ring.
Leah gave it to me before we were married.
I wouldn't have given it up for a jungle full of monkeys.
But Antonio is in deep shit.
That's a fact.
Tubal, go, find a police officer.
Pay him off two weeks in advance.
I will fuck up Antonio's shit if he defaults.
Go, Tubal. Meet me at our synagogue.
There is a young Venetian at your gate.
he comes to announce the arrival of his lord.
I haven't seen such a promising suitor!
A Spring day never promised Summer is near
as this... oh! Messenger coming ahead of his lord.
Please shut up. I'm worried you'll say he's related to you,
since you praise him so much.
Let's go, Nerissa,
I want to see who this suitor is that has been talked up so much.
Bassanio, I hope it's you.
There's something tells me, but it is not love.
I would not lose you.
And yourself knows hate counsels not in such a quality.
I want you to stay a month or two, before you make your choice.
I could tell you which chest to chose...
but then I'd break my promise.
I could never do that.
So you could choose wrong
and if you do, you'll make me wish I'd broken my promise.
Your fucking eyes...
by looking at me I've been split in two.
Half of me is yours, the other half is mine.
but if it's mine, then it's yours and so...
it's all yours.
Let me choose a chest. The anticipation is torturing me.
Tortured, Bassanio?
Then confess the treason you committed for love.
None. Except that I can never trust you.
which makes me worry I'll never enjoy my love.
Yes, but I'm afraid you speak while tortured,
so you would say anything.
Promise you'll let me live...
and I'll confess the truth.
Alright, then,
confess and live.
"Confess and love" is more accurate.
But let me take my chances with the chests.
Then go.
My picture is locked in one of them.
Tell me, where do our desires come from?
From the heart or the head?
How do they start?
And how do they grow?
Answer
[Yeah, we get it]
You can't judge a book by it's cover.
People are often tricked by theatrics.
In court, pleading "not guilty"
with a friendly voice, can hide evilness.
In religion,
sins are defended by a man with serious face
reading scripture.
justifying the sin with... theatrics.
And beauty...
what's the deal with that?
It can be purchased,
by the ounce, in makeup.
So, flashy gold chest, I won't choose you.
Nor you, silver. The metal used for common currency.
But you, simple lead,
which looks more threatening than promising,
your dullness compels me more...
than I can say.
I choose this one.
Make me happy.
I can't freak out... I feel like I'm freaking out!
I need to chill the fuck out.
What is this?
Beautiful Portia's portrait.
Oh, what artist created an image so close to real life?
Are the eyes moving?
Or do they just seem to as I look around?
And her eyes... This artist really nailed it.
But the subject of this picture
is way hotter than the picture.
This picture is not nearly as beautiful as it's subject.
Here's the paper... that contains the summary of my fortune.
"You who have chosen, not by looks
Have good luck and made the right choice
Since this good fortune falls on you
be happy and don't seek elsewhere
If you are happy with this...
then accept this fortune for your happiness
Turn toward your lady
and claim her with a loving kiss"
What a nice note!
Beautiful lady,
with your permission, this note has instructed me...
to give you a kiss.
And to receive a kiss.
I feel like someone who just won a contest
who thinks that everyone approves,
hearing applause and cheers from everyone.
But I'm in a daze and not sure...
if this is really happening
Until it is made official
by you.
This is me, lord Bassanio, What you see is what you get.
Personally... I'm satisfied with who I am,
but for you,
I wish I was twenty times better.
A thousand times more beautiful,
ten thousand times richer,
so you would value me more. So my good qualities, beauty,
possessions, friends,
would be more than you could want.
However, what I am worth
is something that amounts to a total of...
an inexperienced girl,
unschooled, naive.
But at least you are getting a girl that is not too old to learn.
And even better, I am smart enough to be taught.
And the best part,
is that my gentle spirit wants to be taught by you.
as if by my governor,
my lord,
or my king.
This house, these servants,
and me as well...
are yours,
my lord's.
I give you all of that, along with this ring,
which if you ever lose or give away,
then I will know you don't love me.
And I will tell you to fuck off.
Madam,
I am speechless.
Only my pounding heart responds,
I feel dazed and confused.
But if this ring ever leaves my finger...
I will be dead.
You can declare with certainty "Bassanio's dead."
My lord Bassanio, my gentle lady,
I wish you all the happiness you could ever want.
and when you are ready to take your marriage vows,
I hope its cool with you, to do a double wedding.
Of course...
If you can find a wife by then.
Thanks, your lordship, I have one, thanks to you.
I can fall in love, as quickly as you.
You fell in love with Portia,
and I fell in love with Nerissa.
Is that true, Nerissa?
Madam, it is!
And do you, Gratiano, mean what you're saying?
Yes, seriously, my lord.
A double wedding it is!
Let's bet them we'll have a son first. A thousand ducats
You want to stake that money down?
We can't win the bet without my stake.
Hello, there! Hello!
Who is that?
I can tell, it's bad news...
It's making Bassanio turn pale.
One of his close friends must have died. nothing else...
would make him react this way.
What, something even worse!
If you'll allow it, Bassanio,
I am your other half
and I must bear half of what this letter brings you.
Oh, sweet Portia,
These are some of the most unpleasant words ever written on paper.
My darling,
when I first told you that I loved you,
I told you my only wealth comes from my family.
That was the truth.
but, my darling,
saying that I have no money,
was an exaggeration.
When I told you I'm worth nothing...
I should've told you I'm worth less than nothing,
because I am in debt to a close friend,
and put my friend in debt to his nemesis
to pay for me to come here.
This letter, lady, is the body of my friend
and every word in it is a gaping wound spilling his blood.
But is this true, Salerio? All his ventures failed? No successes?
From Tripolis, Mexico, England?
None of them, my lord.
Even if he had the money to pay back the Jew,
he wouldn't accept it.
He accuses the duke of deterring free trade
if they deny him justice.
Twenty merchants, the duke himself
and the Venetian nobles have all tried to convince him
but they couldn't convince him to let this shit go.
When I was living with him,
I heard him swear to Tubal and to Cush, fellow Jews,
that he would rather have Antonio's flesh
than twenty times the value of what he owes him.
And I know, my lord,
if the authorities don't do something...
Antonio is fucked.
Is it your close friend that's in trouble?
My BFF
How much does he owe to the Jew?
Three thousand ducats.
That's all?
Pay him six thousand and terminate the loan.
I'll double and triple that...
before your BFF loses a hair because of you.
Read the letter from your friend.
"Dear Bassanio, my ships have all been wrecked,
my creditors are being dicks,
I have little money.
I can't pay back the Jew, so I'm going to die.
You don't owe me anything.
I want to see you before I die.
It's up to you.
if your love for me is not enough, don't let this letter persuade you."
Oh, My love,
Go take care of this shit!
But first...
Come with me to the church and marry me.
Then go to Venice to help your BFF.
So you can sleep next to me peacefully.
You will have enough gold to pay twenty times the value of this debt.
When it is paid, bring your BFF here.
In the meantime, Nerissa and I will live like virgins and widows.
Let's go.
And you will leave...
after we're married.
Jailor keep an eye on him, Fuck mercy.
This is the idiot that lent money without interest. Jailor, keep an eye on him.
Listen to me, dude.
I'll get my payment. Don't try to talk me out of it.
I've sworn an oath that I will get my payment.
You called me a dog for no reason.
But since I'm a dog, beware of my bite.
The duke will make this right.
I'm curious why, you dipshit jailors,
let him out of his cell, just because he asked.
- Please, listen to me! - I'll get my payment,
I won't listen to you.
I'll get my payment, so shut the fuck up.
I'm not going to look like an idiot,
who rolls over and gives in to you fucking Christians.
Shut up. Don't follow me.
I will get my payment.
What a fucking asshole.
Leave him alone.
I won't follow him anymore, with useless pleas.
He wants me dead.
And I know why.
I'm sure the duke would never enforce this bullshit!
The duke cannot deny the law.
Because of foreign commerce, If law is not upheld,
it will fuck up foreign trade.
So, leave.
This shit is so fucked I can't even eat.
I can hardly spare a pound of flesh tomorrow for this fucking loanshark.
I hope to God Bassanio comes to see me pay this debt.
I don't care about anything else.
Madam, if you only knew the man you are helping,
such a stand up dude.
And how much he loves your husband,
I know you'd be prouder to do this than you normally would.
I've never regretted doing good, and I don't now.
Friends that spend a lot of time together
must have many common traits.
Which leads me to believe that Antonio, being the BFF of my husband,
must be like him.
In that's the case, then it's a small amount I've spent
to get my husband's BFF out of some deep shit.
I'm just tooting my own horn.
So I'll shut up. Let's change the subject.
Lorenzo, you're in charge of managing my house
until my husband returns.
As for myself, I have made a sacred vow to Heaven,
to live in prayer and meditation, accompanied by only Nerissa,
until both our husbands return.
Madam, I'll do whatever you ask.
Chill out and have fun.
Go, hurry to Padua, give this letter to my cousin, Doctor Bellario. Go!
Isn't it true, cousin Bellario?
Check it out, Jessica.
Look how the sky is decorated with bright stars.
Even the smallest star sings like an angel.
Music like that is in our souls.
But since we're stuck on Earth in these mortal, decaying bodies,
We cannot hear it.
I'm never happy when I hear sweet music.
That's because you are so into the music.
Anyone that is not into music...
and does not have an emotional reaction to it
is prone to betrayal, schemes, and thievery.
They have a dark soul
and is into some dark shit.
You can't trust someone like that.
Listen to the music.
We'll see our husbands before they even miss us.
Will they see us?
They will, Nerissa,
but they won't recognize us, because we'll be disguised as men.
I'll bet you anything, when we are dressed like young men...
I'll be a hotter dude than you.
Go tell the Jew to come to the court.
Move aside, so he can stand in front of me.
He's here, my lord.
Shylock, everyone thinks, and I agree,
even though you've acted like an asshole...
that you will now show mercy,
which would be way better, than actually taking a man's flesh.
How do you respond, Jew?
We all expect a compassionate response.
I've told you what I intend to do.
And I've sworn by the holy sabbath to seek the penalty of this contract.
If you deny me that,
It will endanger your city's rights and freedoms.
You want to know why I'd rather have a pound of human flesh
than to receive three thousand ducats.
I won't respond to that.
I'll just say, because I feel like it. Is that enough of an answer?
What if there was a rat in my house
and I wanted to pay ten thousand ducats to have it killed?
Do you get it now?
Some men don't like roasted pig.
Some go crazy when they see a cat.
and others, when they hear bagpipes, piss themselves.
Tastes are fickle, there's no sense trying to explain
what someone likes or dislikes.
Now as for your answer...
There is no reason to dislike roasted pig
or a harmless cat
why a bagpipe,
causes a man to piss himself...
there is no reason.
So, I can't give a reason either.
So I won't,
except to say that I fucking hate Antonio,
so I will follow through with our agreement.
Is that enough of an answer?
That's not an answer, you piece of shit, to excuse being an asshole.
I'm not obligated to say shit.
Do all men kill the things they hate?
Wouldn't anyone kill the thing they hate?
Disliking something is not the same as hating it.
You would let a snake bite you twice?
Please,
Don't bother arguing with the Jew
You might as well stand on the beach...
and ask the waves to be shorter.
You may as well ask a wolf
why he's made a lamb's mother cry by eating it.
You may as well attempt anything impossible
than try to soften this Jew's heart
there is nothing harder than his Jewish heart.
So, I beg you, stop trying to persuade him,
let's make this easy, I'll take my punishment
and give the Jew what he wants.
You loaned three thousand ducats.
Here are six thousand.
If these ducats were worth
six times their value...
I would not accept them, I'd rather have the flesh.
How can you hope for mercy if you don't give mercy?
What punishment should I worry about, when I've done nothing wrong?
You have a bunch of slaves you've bought
which like your donkeys dogs, and mules,
you treat like shit, because you bought them.
Should I tell you to free them?
and let them marry your children.
Why do you make them work so hard?
Give them beds as soft as yours.
Let them eat your food.
You'll say, "The slaves are ours"
My answer is the same...
The pound of flesh that I demand from him
I paid a lot for it.
It's mine.
It's mine!
It's mine.
And I will have it.
If you refuse, then fuck your laws!
Legal agreements in Venice don't mean shit.
I expect justice
What do you say?
Will I get my pound of flesh?
I have the power to dismiss this court
unless Bellario, a legal expert whom I've sent for, shows up today.
My lord!
A messenger is here with letters from Bellario
who has just come from Padua.
You've come from Padua, from Bellario?
From both, my lord. Bellario sends his greetings.
Why are you sharpening your knife so eagerly?
To cut what is owed to me from that deadbeat.
Can prayers not affect you?
No, not any prayers you are smart enough to make.
Go fuck yourself! I hope you get whats coming to you.
Unless you can rip the seal from my contract,
you are wasting your breath.
Get your shit together, dude. or you'll be fucked.
The law is on my side.
The law is on my side!
This letter from Bellario, recommends a young expert of the law.
Well, where is he?
He's waiting to hear if you'll let him in.
Go, let him know he's welcome.
In the meantime, I'll read Bellario's letter.
"I've received your letter, but I am very sick.
but when your messenger came, a young lawyer was visiting me from Rome
whose name is Balthasar.
I asked him to come to take my place.
Please, don't underestimate him because of his youth,
I've never known anyone so wise beyond their years.
I hope that's cool with you"
That's what Bellario wrote. And I assume this is the lawyer here.
It's cool with me.
Have at it.
Are you familiar with this case?
I know all about it.
Which one is the merchant and which is the Jew?
Antonio and old Shylock, come forward.
- Is your name Shylock? - Shylock is my name.
What you're asking for is fucked up,
but under Venetian law it's a legitimate claim.
He has a claim on you, right?
Yes, like Shylock says
Do you acknowledge the contract?
Yes.
Then the Jew must show mercy.
Why the fuck should I be merciful?
Mercy is not something to be forced,
it falls easily, like rain from the sky.
It has a double benefit...
It benefits the giver and the receiver.
Mercy is most admirable in all the most awesome dudes.
It makes a king look better than his crown.
His scepter is a symbol of his Earthly power,
A source of awe, which makes him feared.
But mercy has more power than a scepter.
It is held within the heart of kings.
It's a quality of God himself.
And earthly power seems godly
when mercy is mixed with justice.
So Jew, although justice is what you want,
think about this...
If god sought justice, we would all go to Hell.
We pray God for mercy
and that same prayer teaches us to be merciful to others
That is what I have to say against your desire for justice,
which if you go through with this shit...
The court of Venice will punish this merchant.
I take responsibility for my actions.
I want justice.
The penalty for breaking the contract.
Can't he pay back the money?
Yes, it's right here, twice the amount owed.
If that's not enough, I will pay ten times that.
or else give up my hands, my head, my heart!
If that is not enough, then he's just being an asshole.
Please, use your authority
to bend the law to do the right thing and stop this fucking asshole.
It's not going to happen.
No one in Venice has the authority to change an established law.
It would set a precedent
and result in a bunch of fucked up legal rulings.
Not happening
A Daniel is judging.
Yes, A Daniel! [You know, from the Bible]
Oh wise young judge, You're the shit.
Please, let me check out the contract.
Most respected expert, here it is.
Shylock, you're being offered three times what you lent.
I made a promise.
I've made a promise to heaven.
Should I commit perjury on my soul?
No. Not for Venice.
Well, the penalty must be paid.
and legally, the Jew can take a pound of flesh
for him to cut off, near the merchant's heart.
Be merciful.
Take twice the money. Tell me to tear up the contract
When it's paid, you can tear it up.
Please, I beg the court...
to give the judgment.
Then here it is... You must prepare your chest for his knife.
Oh honorable judge, You are the shit.
The law fully supports the penalty
which is written in the contract.
That's right, What a wise and fair judge.
You are wise beyond your years.
- So bare your chest. - Yes, his breast.
That's what it says in the contract. Right, judge?
"Close to his heart."
- Those are the exact words. - That's right.
Is there a scale here to weigh the flesh?
I have one... here.
Have a surgeon stand by, Shylock, that you'll pay
to attend to his wounds so he doesn't bleed to death.
Is that in the contract?
No, but so what? It would be a nice thing to do. .
Nope. It's not in the contract.
You, merchant, do you have anything to say?
Not much.
I'm ready and psyched up.
Give me your hand, Bassanio.
Goodbye.
Don't feel bad about this being your fault.
Lady luck has been nicer to me than usual.
Say nice things about me to your wife.
Tell her how I died.
Tell her I loved you, and say nice things about me when I'm dead.
And when she hears the story,
let her decide if you had a loving friend.
Only be sorry that you've lost a friend
And know that I'm not sorry to pay your debt.
Because if the Jew cuts too deep...
I'll pay it now, with all my heart.
Antonio, I have a wife...
who is as dear to me as life itself.
But life itself, my wife, and the whole world
doesn't mean shit, compared to your life.
I would give it all up to this motherfucker...
to save you.
I have a wife, who I swear I love...
I wish she was dead in Heaven, so she could use Heavenly power
to change the mind of this fucking Jew!
I have a daughter!
I'd rather any descendant of Barrabas had married her
instead of a Christian.
We're wasting time. Please, give the sentence.
You may proceed.
A pound of this merchant's flesh is yours.
The court awards it and the law allows it.
An honest judge.
And you must cut this flesh from his chest.
The court awards it and the law allows it.
A very wise judge.
Now that's a sentence!
Come on...
Get ready.
Not so fast!
There's one more thing.
The contract doesn't entitle you to a drop of blood.
It specifically states a pound of flesh.
So take your penalty of a pound of flesh,
but when you cut it off, if you shed a drop of Christian blood,
your lands and goods, by Venetian law, will be confiscated
by state of Venice.
This judge is the shit!
Listen to that, Jew. A wise judge!
Is that the law?
See for yourself.
You want justice,
you're going to get more justice than you bargained for.
I'll take the offer, then.
Pay me twice the money
and let the Christian go.
- Here is the money. - Wait. The Jew will have justice.
Chill out. He will only get the penalty.
So, get ready to cut off his flesh.
Don't shed any blood
and cut off exactly a pound of flesh.
If the weight of the flesh
is lighter or heavier
by even one twentieth of an ounce,
In fact, if the scale is off by so much as a hair,
You'll be sentenced to death.
And all your goods will be confiscated.
It's a second Daniel!
Jew, I've got you by the balls!
Why do you hesitate, Jew?
I don't even get my money back?
You'll only get your penalty, which you can take at your own risk, Jew.
He can go fuck himself.
- I'll outta here. - Wait, Jew. The law...
has a stipulation you are obligated to.
It is stated in the laws of Venice,
If it is proven that a foreigner directly or indirectly attempts
to kill a citizen of Venice,
That person is entitled to half of his property.
The other half goes to the state.
and the offender's life is at the mercy of only the Duke,
No one else can say shit.
That is your situation.
So get down on your knees,
and beg the Duke for mercy.
Beg him to let you go hang yourself.
I want you to see the difference between us, so I'll let you live,
I won't make you beg.
Half your wealth goes to Antonio. The other half will go the state.
No, just fucking kill me.
You take my house when you take the income that sustains it.
You kill me
when you take away my ability to make money.
Can you show him any mercy, Antonio?
Just a free rope to hang himself, for fucks sake.
If my lord the Duke and the court are cool with it...
I won't take half his property.
I am satisfied as long as that half goes into a trust...
and when he dies, it will be given
to the dude who recently eloped with his daughter.
And one more thing, for my leniency...
he has to convert to Christianity.
He will do it, or I will take back the pardon
I just gave to him.
Are you satisfied with that, Jew?
What are you saying?
I am satisfied.
Clerk, draw up a will.
Please, give me permission to go.
I... I am not well.
I will... Send me the will and I will sign it.
Get the fuck outta here, then, but sign it.
Court dismissed.
My man!
Thanks to you, my friend and I,
got out of paying a fucked up penalty.
Instead of giving the three thousand ducats that was owed, to the Jew
we'll give it to you for your trouble.
And even then, we're still indebted to you
We owe you friendship and respect forever.
My payment is satisfaction for a job well done.
And by saving you, I'm satisfied.
So I consider myself well paid - Goodbye.
Sir, I insist.
Take some memento from us, as a gift, not as payment.
Do me two favors, please.
Don't refuse my offer and excuse me for insisting.
Since you insist, I will accept.
Give me your gloves. I'll wear them because of you.
And as token of your gratitude, I'll take your ring.
Don't pull back your hand, I won't take anything else.
and in your gratitude, you shouldn't refuse.
This ring... Good sir, is worthless, I would be ashamed to give it to you.
I don't want anything else. Just the ring.
This ring means more to me than its monetary value.
I'll give you the most expensive ring in Venice. And make a public announcement to find it.
But not this ring. Please forgive me.
Oh, I see, sir.
You make big offers, First you taught me how to beg
and now I think you're teaching me how a beggar should be answered.
This ring was given to me by my wife.
And when she put it on she made me promise to never sell it or give it away.
Or lose it.
That's just what dudes say to avoid giving gifts.
and unless your wife is a total cunt
and she knew how much I deserve this ring.
She won't be mad at you forever for giving it to me.
Dude, just give him the ring.
Consider how much he deserves it and my friendship.
And weigh that against your wife's order.
Find out where the Jew lives. Then bring him this deed and have him sign it.
Bassanio reconsidered, and sent you this ring.
And he invites you to dinner.
That's not going to happen.
But I'll accept his ring, gratefully.
Please, thank him for me.
Also, please show my young man here to old Shylock's house.
I can do that.
I'll see if I can get my husband's ring, which I made him swear to keep forever.
Dear ladies, welcome home.
We've been praying for our husbands' safety,
Whose luck we hope will benefit from our prayers.
This night, seems like it's just daylight but paler.
It looks a little paler.
It's like a cloudy day.
Chill.
Welcome home, my lord.
Thank you, madam. Please welcome my friend.
This is the dude, this is Antonio the one I am forever bound to.
You should in all sense be very bound to him,
because as I'm told he was bound for you.
Not more than I have been compensated for.
Sir, you are welcome in our house.
But actions speak louder than words
so I'll stop speaking such courtesies.
I swear by the moon, you have the wrong idea.
Honestly, I gave it to the judge's clerk.
I wish that dude was castrated since it upset you so much.
A lover's quarrel, already? What's the matter?
It's over a hoop of gold, a little ring that she gave me,
with some inscription on it, the poetry of a knife-maker...
"Love me and don't leave me."
How can you talk about the inscription or what it's worth?
You swore to me when I gave it you
that you would wear it until you died.
and that it would be buried with you.
If not for me, then for the promise you made
you should have been respectful, and kept it.
You gave it to a judge's clerk!
I gave it to a young man,
a fucking boy, a puny boy, no taller than you, the judge's clerk.
You were wrong, I have to be honest with you.
to so easily give up your wife's first gift.
I gave my love a ring and made him swear to never give it up.
And here he is.
I'm confident he wouldn't lose it
or remove it from his finger for all the money in the world.
Shit, I'd be better off cutting off my hand and say I lost the ring in a fight.
Bassanio gave his ring away.
To the lawyer that wanted it. and deserved it too.
And then the boy, his clerk, asked for my ring.
These dudes wouldn't accept anything but the two rings.
I could get out of this with a lie, I would.
but you can see my finger doesn't have a ring on it, it is... gone.
You are full of shit.
You're sleeping on the couch until you get the ring back.
You're on the couch too until you get my ring.
Sweet Portia, if you knew who I gave the ring to.
if you knew who I gave the ring for,
and understood why I gave the ring
and how unwillingly I gave the ring, when nothing else would be accepted but the ring,
you would chill the fuck out.
If you had realized the value of the ring
or half the worth of the woman that gave it to you,
or your promise to keep the ring,
you would't have given up the ring.
Nerissa knows what's up.
I'll bet my life, you gave it to some woman.
No, I swear, madam, by my soul, not a woman.
Just an appointed lawyer,
who refused three thousand ducats and begged me for the ring
which I refused, and told him to fuck off.
even though he saved my friend's life.
What should I say, sweet lady?
I was peer pressured to give it to him.
Keep that lawyer away from my house.
Since he has the ring that I loved and which you swore to keep for me,
I will be as generous as you...
He's welcome to anything I have.
No, not even my body or our bed,
I'll fuck him, for sure.
Portia, forgive me for my mistake.
and with our friends as witnesses, I swear to you, to your beautiful eyes...
I'll never break a promise to you again.
Once, I risked my life to make him rich.
I'll take another risk. betting my soul...
that your husband...
will never break a promise to you again.
Then you can vouch for him.
Give him this.
And tell him to keep better care of it.
Than the last one.
My lord Bassanio, swear to keep this ring.
Holy shit, it's the same ring I gave to the lawyer.
He gave it to me. Forgive me, Bassanio,
To get the ring back I fucked the lawyer.
And forgive me, my dear Gratiano,
because that puny boy, the doctor's clerk,
To get this ring back, I fucked him last night.
This is like fixing the highways in Summer,
when there's nothing wrong with them.
What, we've been cheated on before we even deserved it?
Don't speak so crudely.
You're all shocked.
Bassanio...
Here is a letter, it comes from Padua, from old Bellario.
There you will see that Portia was the lawyer,
Nerissa was her clerk.
Lorenzo will tell you that I left when you did
and just now got back.
You were the lawyer, and I didn't recognize you?
Were you the clerk that slept with my wife?
Yes, but the clerk couldn't do it unless he becomes a man.
Sweet lawyer,
Let's sleep together.
When I'm out of town, then you can fuck my wife.
What's up, Lorenzo?
My clerk has some good news for you too.
Yes, this is for you and Jessica from the rich Jew
It's his will. When he dies you'll get everything he owns.
Beautiful ladies, you drop bread from Heaven to starving people.
It's almost morning
But I'm sure you have more questions.
Let's go inside.
And I will answer all your questions honestly.
Well, let's do it.
The first question I have for Nerissa is...
whether she wants to wait until tomorrow night, or fuck now.
since it's still two hours until morning.
But when it's day, I'll wish it was night.
so I could fuck the lawyer's clerk.
As long as I live, I'll worry about nothing else as much
as keeping Nerissa's ring safe.