Subtitles by DJ Hupp BardSubs.com
Sing no more songs...
More, more, more!
Sing no more
about depression, so sad and heavy.
Asshole men
have been a thing...
..since trees had leaves in Summer.
So don't cry,
Just let them go,
and be carefree and happy,
change all your sad songs...
..into hey, nonny, nonny!
My lord.
According to this letter
Don Pedro of Aragon is coming to Messina tonight!
He was less than nine miles away when I left him.
- How many men were killed in this battle? - Not many. No one that matters.
This letter also says that Don Pedro has given great honors
to a young man from Florence named Claudio!
Claudio has done more Than anyone would expect from a young man,
he looks like a lamb but fights like a lion!
Has Sir Fancy Pants returned from the wars or not?
- I don't know anyone by that name, ma'am. - My cousin means Sir Benedick.
Oh yes, he's returned, and is as cheerful as ever.
But please tell me, how many men has he killed and eaten in these battles?
How many men has he killed?
- Because I promised to eat anyone he killed. - He has served well.
- And a good soldier, too, lady. - And a good soldier compared to a lady?
- But what is he compared to a lord? - He's a lord to a lord. A man to a man.
- That dude is the shit! - Yes he is.
He is is full of shit.
Sir, please don't misunderstand my niece.
There is a love-hate relationship between Sir Benedick and her.
Whenever they meet, They have a battle of wits.
Who is he hanging around with now?
Every month he has a new best friend.
He spends most of his time With that honorable dude Claudio.
Oh, Fuck!
Benedick will cling to him like a disease!
Benedick is a very contagious disease, and those infected go crazy.
Claudio is fucked.
If he's caught the Benedick disease, He'll lose all his money before he's cured.
I'll be sure to stay On your good side, lady!
Do that, my friend.
You will never catch the Benedick disease, my niece.
No, not until we see a hot January.
Don Pedro is here!
Good Sir Leonato, Have you come to welcome my army?
Most people choose to avoid trouble, But you welcome it.
You are never trouble to this house, your grace.
This must be your daughter.
That's what her mother keeps telling me.
- Were you so doubtful that you asked her? - Sir Benedick, no!
She wouldn't want to look like an old man, no matter how similar she is to him.
I'm surprised you're still talking. No one is listening to you.
Look, it's my dear Lady Hoity-Toity!
Aren't you dead yet?
Is it possible for Hoity-Toity to die,
when she is in the presence of Sir Benedick?
Politeness becomes hoity-toity when you're around.
Then politeness is a traitor.
But it's a fact, all ladies love me, except for you.
It's too bad I'm such an asshole, I don't love anyone.
How lucky for women. Otherwise they would have an asshole boyfriend.
Thankfully, I feel the same way.
I would rather hear my dog bark at a crow than hear a man swear his love to me.
I hope you will keep that frame of mind,
Or some gentleman will end up with his face scratched up .
Scratching wouldn't make his face worse, if it was a face like yours.
You repeat yourself like a parrot.
I'd rather be a squawking bird, than an animal like you.
I wish my horse moved as fast as your mouth.
Have it your way. For fuck's sake, I'm done.
You always drop out of the horse race before it's over.
I know how you are.
Sir Claudio, Sir Benedick, my dear friend Leonato has invited you all.
I told him we'll stay here at least a month.
Let me welcome you, my lord.
Since you and your brother, the prince, have made up...
I owe you the same allegiance.
Thank you.
I am a man of few words, but thank you.
- Do you want to lead us inside? - Give me your hand, Leonato. We'll go together.
Benedick...
Did you notice the daughter of Sir Leonato?
- I didn't see anything of note, but I saw her. - Isn't she a well mannered young lady?
Do you want to know what I really think...
Or would you rather I talk shit about her like I do about all women.
No. Please, speak honestly.
I think she is too short to be praised highly,
too ugly to be praised beautifully, and too little to be praised greatly.
If she wasn't ugly...
But she is ugly, I do not like her.
You think I'm fucking around. Tell me what you really think of her.
Are you thinking of buying her, Is that why you're asking?
- Is it possible to buy a jewel like Hero? - Yeah, and a box to put it in.
But are you fucking serious?
I think she is hotter than any other woman.
I can see without glasses, And I don't see it.
If her cousin Beatrice didn't have such a temper,
She's so much hotter than Hero it's like comparing Spring to Winter.
I hope you aren't looking to get married. Are you?
I wouldn't keep that promise,
even though I swore to never marry,
if Hero would be my wife.
What the fuck is happening?
Will I never see a bachelor in his 60's again?
Gentlemen... What gossip is so interesting that you didn't follow us to Leonato's?
Claudio is in love!
With who? That's what you should ask.
With Hero, Leonato's short daughter!
Right on, man. She's Cool
You are fucking with me.
- No, seriously. - I'm serious too.
And I was serious when I said it's fucking nuts.
- I'm in love with her. - She's a catch, for sure.
I still don't get it.
Burn me at the stake. I won't come around.
You never believed in the power of beauty.
A woman conceived me, I thank her for that.
And for raising me, I thank her for that too.
But I will hang my dick in an imaginary holster,
all other women will have to forgive me.
I will live as a bachelor.
I will see you, before I die, sick with love.
Maybe with anger, sickness, or hunger, my lord, but not with love.
Well, time will tell.
"In time, the savage bull Is eventually domesticated."
If Benedick is ever domesticated,
Rip off the bull's horns and put them on my forehead,
Because I will be a cuckold, Hang a sign on me, not "Here is good horse to hire."
But instead, "This is Benedick, the married man."
Benedick, go to Leonato's.
Tell him I will be there for dinner, I know he worked super hard on it.
Check yourself, before you wreck yourself. Benedick out!
Does Leonato have any sons, my lord?
Only Hero. She's his only heir.
Do you love her, Claudio?
My lord, when we left Messina to fight the war,
I looked at her with a soldier's eye And I liked her,
but I was too preoccupied with thoughts of battle for like to become love.
But now...
I have have returned from war, And my thoughts of battle are gone
And in their place are soft and delicate desires,
Leading me to thinking about how beautiful young Hero is.
I mean...
I liked her before I went to war.
You will be a true lover soon, and bore anyone listening to you talk about your feelings.
If you love beautiful Hero, embrace it.
I will talk to her and her father, and she will be yours.
I know we'll all party tonight.
I will disguise myself as you,
and tell beautiful Hero I am Claudio.
And I'll pour out my (your) feelings for her, She'll be totally into it.
She won't be able to resist my tale of love.
Afterward, I'll talk to her father, and then...
she will be yours.
Let's do this shit!
Seriously, my lord...
Why are you such a gloomy gus?
I can't measure the things that sadden me,
So my sadness is limitless.
You should listen to reason.
If I listen to reason,
what do I get out of it?
I can't hide my feelings.
I'll be sad when I have a reason to be, and not laugh at any jokes,
I'll eat when I'm hungry, not when its convenient.
I'll sleep when I'm tired, and won't wake up for any bullshit.
I'll laugh when I'm happy,
and I won't give a pity laugh for anyone's jokes.
Sure... but take it down a notch
Until you're out of danger.
You've rebelled against your brother
and he has, only recently, forgiven you.
You should be careful to stay in his good graces.
I'd rather be a weed in a hedge than a rose he adores!
I am not a likable, respectable man.
I'm obviously an asshole.
If my mouth was't muzzled, I would bite.
If I was was free, I'd do what I want.
Until then, let me be me
and don't try to change me.
Borachio! What's up?
I have information for you about a marriage proposal.
Can I use this information to fuck some shit up?
Well, it's your brother's right hand man.
- Who? That pretty boy Claudio. - That's him.
- How did you hear about this? - I heard them agree...
that the prince would court Hero and once he won her over,
he'd give her to Count Claudio.
Come! Let's go to the feast.
That might cheer me up.
That star-fucker Claudio has gained honor in my defeat.
If there is a way I can fuck him over,
I will be fucking ecstatic.
You are both on board, and will help me?
Until the day I die, my lord.
- Should we go scope this shit out? - We'll follow you, sir.
- Wasn't Don John at dinner? - I didn't see him.
That dude has resting bitch face. It hurts to look at him.
He's such a Debbie Downer.
How awesome would a man be, that was a cross between Don John and Benedick.
One is like a statue, he never speaks
and the other is like a spoiled child, always blabbing on.
Then the this man would Talk 50% less than Benedick,
and have 50% less resting bitch face than Don John
And he'd be hot!
And if he's not a cripple, Uncle, and he's rich...
A dude like that could have any woman in the world,
if she was into him.
You'll never get a husband, if you keep talking so bitchy.
I couldn't stand a husband with a beard. I'd rather sleep in scratchy blankets.
Maybe you'll find a husband Without a beard.
What should I do with him? dress him in my clothes and make him my lady servant?
If he has a beard, he's more than a boy
If he doesn't have a beard, he's not man.
If he's more old than youthful, he's not the one for me.
And if he's less than a man...
I'm not for him.
Seriously, she's got issues!
- Well, then, are you going to hell? - No, just to the gate.
Where the devil will meet me, looking like a cuckold, with horns on his head, and say,
"Go off to heaven, Beatrice. Hell is no place for virgins."
So I'll go to meet Saint Peter in Heaven.
He shows me where the bachelors live,
and we'll live together, happily ever after.
Niece, I hope you'll obey your father.
It's my cousin's duty to politely say, "Father, I'll do whatever pleases you"
But even so, cousin, if your father doesn't pick a hot dude for you,
you should politely say, "Father, I'll do what pleases me".
Daughter, remember what I told you.
If the prince proposes to you, you know what to tell him.
Well, niece, I hope that I will see you married one day.
Not until God stops making men out of dirt.
You know what's up.
I have a good eye, Uncle. I can see as clear as day.
The partygoers are arriving!
Lady, will you have a dance with me?
I know who you are. You are Sir Antonio.
Seriously, I'm not.
I can tell by the way you waggle your head.
- Seriously, I'm not. - Come on.
Who else is such a witty dude?
Can virtue be hidden?
Shut up. You are Antonio. A man's good character will always be revealed.
- I wish you liked me. - I wouldn't wish that
- I have many bad qualities. - Name one?
I say my prayers out loud.
Won't you tell me who told you that?
No.
- Won't you tell me who you are? - Not now.
To think, someone said I was a bitch,
and that my humor is stolen From a shitty joke book.
- It was Sir Benedick who said it. - Who's that?
- I'm sure you know who he is. - No I don't, seriously.
- He never made you laugh? - Please tell me, who is he?
Well, he's the prince's jester.
A very boring clown.
His only talent is talking shit.
He both pleases and angers people.
They laugh at him, then beat him up.
I am sure he is out there dancing.
I wish he had the nerve to ask me to dance.
When I meet this dude, I'll tell him what you said.
Do it.
Oh, please do.
- We have to follow the leaders of the dance. - We should follow every good thing they do.
- Aren't you Sir Benedick? - You got me. I am Benedick
Sir, you are a close friend of my brother.
He loves Hero. Convince him to change his mind. She's white trash.
How do you know... he loves her?
I heard him swear he loves her.
I heard him too. He swore he would marry her tonight.
Come on, let's go to the feast.
Ok, I'm pretending to be Benedick,
but I heard this bad news with my own ears.
So it's true.
The prince wants Hero for himself!
What ever happened to...
bros before hoes.
This happens all the time, but I didn't expect it to happen to me.
So goodbye, Hero!
Claudio, will you come with me?
- Where? - To take care of your business.
- The prince has won over Hero. - I wish him happiness with her.
But do you really think the prince would treat you that way?
- Leave me alone. - Boo hoo, you poor wounded bird.
How weird that lady Beatrice recognized me, But doesn't know me!
The prince's jester? Ha!
I don't have that kind of reputation.
It's just Beatrice's mean, sarcastic nature
she thinks everyone shares her opinion, and makes her describe me this way.
Well, I'll get my revenge, if I can.
Sir, where's Count Claudio?
I found him here, as sad as a wild animal in captivity.
I told him, and I think it's true,
that you had won over Hero.
The Lady Beatrice has beef with you.
The dude she danced with told her you were talking shit about her.
A block of wood could not endure her abuse!
She told me, not realizing it was me,
that I was the prince's jester,
that I was more boring than mud,
And hurled insult after insult at me with such incredible skill
that I just stood there like a man with a target with a whole army shooting at me.
Her words are sharp, and every word stabs.
If her breath was as terrible as her insults,
she would stink up the universe.
It's true, chaos, horror, and turmoil follow her everywhere.
Look, here she comes.
Your Highness, could you send me on a mission to the ends of the Earth?
I will go to the other side of the Earth, for any silly errand
that you can come up with.
I'll snatch you a hair from the great Kublai Khan's beard,
I'll be your ambassador to the pygmies,
Anything to avoid exchanging three words with this bitch!
Isn't there any task you have for me?
Just your good company.
Oh, fuck. Here comes a dish I hate.
I can't stand Lady Tongue!
Come, my lady. You've lost Sir Benedick's heart.
It's true, my lord.
He lent it to me once,
and I paid him back with interest...
a double heart for his single one.
Actually, once before, he won it from me by cheating in a game of dice.
So you can truly say I've lost it.
You've insulted him, You've put him down.
I hope he won't put ME down, (Sleep with me)
Or I'll have retarded children.
I have brought Count Claudio, whom you sent me to find.
- Why are you sad? - I'm not sad, my lord.
- What then? Sick? - I'm neither, my lord.
The count isn't sad, sick, cheerful, or well.
He's just civil - as Seville as an orange, With the same jealous-yellow complexion.
I think your description is correct,
though I swear he has no reason to look like that.
Here, Claudio.
I have wooed her for you...
and beautiful Hero has agreed to marry you.
I have spoke with her father, and he's given permission.
Set a wedding date, and may God give you happiness!
Claudio, take my daughter from me, and with her my fortunes.
The prince has made the match, and may god bless it.
Speak, Claudio. This is your cue.
Utter joy makes one speechless.
If I was only a little happy I could say how much.
Lady, you are mine...
and I am yours.
Say something, cousin,
or if you can't, shut him up with a kiss, so he can't speak either.
Truly, lady, you have a cheerful heart.
Yes, my lord, I thank it.
the poor fool, it stays safe from worries
My cousin is whispering in his ear that she loves him.
Yep, she's totally doing that.
Thank the lord for alliances!
So everyone is going off to get married and I stay in, sunburned.
I might as well sit in a corner and cry, "Heigh-ho for a husband!"
Lady Beatrice, I will get you a husband.
I would rather have one of your father's sons.
Do you have any brothers like you?
Your father birthed excellent husbands, if only a woman could find one.
Will you take me, lady?
No, my lord.
Not unless I could have another husband for work days.
You are too expensive to wear every day.
But please excuse me.
I was born to make jokes, not to be serious.
I'd be more offended if you were silent, being cheerful suits you best
Surely you were born at a happy time.
Actually, my lord, my mother cried.
But then a star danced in the sky,
and under that star, I was born.
Kinsmen...
I have to go.
By god, what a good-humored lady.
There's very little that's gloomy about her, my lord.
She's only sad when she sleeps, and not even then,
because I've heard Hero say
she has often dreamt of unhappiness and waked herself laughing.
She cannot stand to hear about getting a husband.
- No. Not at all - She'd make a good wife for Benedick.
If they were married just a week, they'd drive each other crazy.
Count Claudio, when do you plan to get married?
Tomorrow
Wait until Monday, my dear son, which is just a week away
even that is not enough time to plan what I have in mind.
I promise you Claudio, it will be here before you know it.
In the meantime, I will take on an impossible task
which is to make Benedick and Beatrice
fall in love with each other.
I want them to hook up
and I'm sure we can make that happen if you agree to help me.
I am with you, even if it means I have to stay up for ten nights straight
- Count me in - And you, sweet Hero?
I will do anything that will help my cousin find a good husband.
If we can pull this off, fuck Cupid.
That dude isn't shit! We are the only love gods.
Come with me, I will tell you my plan.
I am fucking flabbergasted that a man, seeing how foolish another man is
by falling in love
after laughing at that foolishness
will become the kind of dude he despises, by falling in love.
Claudio is that kind of dude
I knew him when the only music he cared for were the drums of war
and now would he rather hear the music of love
He would've walked ten miles to see a good suit of armor,
Now he'll stay up ten nights, to design himself a fancy new jacket
He used to speak plainly and to the point, like an honorable soldier
Now his speech is so fucking flowery
Like a meal at a 3 star Michelin restaurant
full of exotic dishes
Could this ever happen to me? I don't know, but I should hope not
I don't know for sure that love wouldn't change me
but until that happens I won't act like a fool.
One woman is beautiful I don't give a fuck
Another is intelligent, still don't give a fuck Another is wholesome, don't give a fuck
but until one woman has all of these qualities
I'm not interested in any of them.
She must be rich, for sure
Intelligent, or no thanks
Wholesome, or I'll never consider her
Beautiful, or I won't look at her
Super chill Or get the fuck away from me
well spoken, an excellent musician,
and her hair will be...
I don't give a fuck about that
It's the prince and Mister Love
I'll go hide
- Do you see where Benedick is hiding? - Its super obvious
Come on, Balthasar. Let's hear that song again.
That music must be divine!
Their souls have been captivated
What's the deal with strings made of sheep's guts eliciting an emotional response?
Cry no more, ladies, cry no more
Men are fucking assholes
One foot on a ship
And one on shore
They can't commit to anything
So don't cry, just let them go
And be happy and carefree forever
and transform all your sad sounds
Into hey, nonny, nonny
Don't sing sad songs anymore
of bullshit so depressing
men have been assholes
Since trees had leaves
So don't cry, just let them go
And be happy and carefree forever
and transform all your sad sounds
Into hey, nonny, nonny
Fuckin' A, that's a good song
- Come on, I suck. - No, no, seriously, Iv'e heard worse
If a dog had howled like that, It would've been killed.
Come here Leonato. What was it you were telling me about today?
That your niece Beatrice was in love with Sir Benedick?
I never thought that lady could love any man.
Me neither, but it's cool that she's into Sir Benedick
a dude she always seemed to hate
No fucking way!
Maybe she's just pretending?
That's gotta be it
Oh, God! Pretending?
No one has ever faked passion like this
not the way she displays it
Why...
..what effects of love does she exhibit?
Bait the hook well. This fish is going to bite!
What effects, my lord?
- My daughter told you how. - She totally did.
How? Please tell me.
Fucking incredible!
I would think this was a joke if the old man didn't say it.
- Has she told Benedick how she feels? - No, and she swears she never will.
It's driving her crazy. She'll get up 20 times in one night,
sitting there in her slip, until she's written a page.
Then she falls down to her knees
Weeps, sobs, beats her chest,
tears her hair, curses, "Oh, sweet Benedick!
"God give me patience!"
She totally does. My daughter told me.
My daughter worries that Beatrice will try to kill herself.
seriously
- Benedick should know about this. - What the fuck for?
- He would make a joke of it and torment the poor lady even more - I feel sorry for her.
Please, tell Benedick, and see what he says.
You think that's a good idea?
Hero thinks Beatrice will die if Benedick doesn't love her
and she'll die if she confesses her love, and she'll die if he woos her
If she confesses her love, it's very possible he'll reject her,
because we all know that dude is an asshole
I like Benedick,
I just wish he would take a look at himself
to see how unworthy he is of such a good lady.
Will you come with me? Dinner is ready.
If he doesn't fall in love with her I'll never trust my intuition.
The same trap must be set for her
That's Hero and her servant's job
Let's send Beatrice to call Benedick in to dinner.
This can't be a joke
They spoke about it so seriously
They heard about it from Hero
She loves me?
I am totally into this!
I hear how I am criticized
They said I will be asshole to her If I find out she loves me
They also said that she would rather die than reveal her feelings.
I never thought... I'd ever get married.
I can't appear to be proud. Well-adjusted people can be told about their faults
and can go about fixing them
They say the lady is beautiful. It's true. And wholesome. I can't disprove that.
And Smart. Except for loving me.
That's not an indication of her intelligence
but not a sign of foolishness either
because I am madly in love with her!
I'm probably going to get some shit
because for so long, I have been intensely against marriage
...but don't tastes change?
A boy can love Spaghettios, then when he is older, thinks that shit is nasty
Will a little shit talk...
keep a man from pursuing his desire?
No!
The world needs people!
When I said I would die a bachelor,
I didn't think I would live long enough to be married.
Here comes Beatrice.
Holy shit! She's so hot.
I'm picking up on some... signs of love in her
Against my will I was sent to bring you to dinner.
Beautiful Beatrice! Thanks for your trouble.
It wasn't any more trouble, than it was trouble for you to thank me.
If it was any trouble, I wouldn't have come.
So you took pleasure in bringing this message?
Yes, as much pleasure as you would take getting stabbed.
You're not hungry, sir? Then goodbye.
"Against my will I was sent to bring you to dinner."
There's a double meaning in that.
But are you sure Benedick loves Beatrice so much?
That's what the prince and my fiancé say.
And did they ask you to tell Beatrice about this?
They wanted me to tell her...
but I persuaded them, that if they care about Benedick,
never let Beatrice know about it.
Why? Doesn't Benedick deserve at least as good a wife as Beatrice would be ?
Oh, for fucks sake! I know he deserves as much as any man can be given
but nature never made a woman's heart as tough Beatrice's.
There is disdain and scorn in her eyes, undervaluing everything she sees.
She thinks she's so clever, that to her, everyone else is hacky.
- She's incapable of love. - Yes, you're right
- Tell her, see what she says. - No.
Instead, I will go to Benedick, and convince him, she's not worth it.
Don't fuck over your cousin like that.
She can't be so lacking in judgement, being so intelligent...
that she would turn down an exceptional man like Sir Benedick.
He's the only worthy man in ltaly. With the exception of my dear Claudio.
- When are you getting married? - Tomorrow! and every day after
She's falling for it, I'm sure of it.
We have caught her in our trap
If you're right, then love comes by chance.
Cupid gets some with arrows, and some with traps.
What the fuck have I heard?
Can it be true? Everyone thinks I'm a bitch?
Then fuck contempt Fuck pride in being unmarried
These adverse qualities only result in a bunch of shit talking behind my back
And, Benedick, keep loving me!
I'm into it too!
Train my fierce heart, to come to your loving hand
If you indeed love me, I won't be a bitch to you anymore
so you'll want to marry me.
Everyone says you deserve it
and I think so too, not just because everyone else does!
Are you stand up dudes?
You are chosen for the prince's watch, this is your assignment...
You are to order every man to stop, in the prince's name.
What if he won't stop?
Then don't bother him and let him go.
If he will not stop when he is ordered, he isn't one of the prince's subjects.
True. And you can't fuck with anyone... but the prince's subjects.
You will also stay quiet in the streets.
We'll sleep instead of talking.
You speak like an experienced...
..and very quiet watchman,
I don't see how sleeping on the watch should be a problem.
If you encounter a thief,
you can suspect him, by the nature of your job...
to be dishonest.
When it comes to that kind of men...
the less you interact with them,
the more honest you will be.
You've always been known as a merciful man... buddy.
Seriously, I wouldn't even hang a dog,
much less a man with any honesty in him.
Truth
And, if anything important should come up, come get me.
Come, friend.
We know our assignment
Let's sit on the bench until 2am, and then go to bed.
One more thing, good friends. Please watch Sir Leonato's house,
with the wedding being there tomorrow, there is a big party tonight.
Be vigilant, I beg you.
It's true. Count Claudio will marry the daughter of Leonato.
Yes, my lord, but I can ruin it.
Anything preventing Claudio's happiness is medicinal to me.
he makes me sick
The more he is fucked over, the more happy I will be.
- How can you ruin this marriage? - It's shady as fuck
But so secretly, that no one will suspect me.
- Quickly, tell me how. - I told you, a year ago...
how much, Margaret, Hero's servant, likes me.
I remember.
I can, at any hour of the night, arrange for her to look out Hero's bedroom window.
So what? How is that going to kill this marriage?
That's for you to figure out
Gentlemen...
I am not the man I used to be.
I agree. You seem more serious.
I hope he's in love.
Sir, walk with me. I have 8 or 9 wise words for you
which these dip shits should not hear.
I bet my life, he's talking with him about Beatrice!
- My lord and brother, God bless you. - Good evening, brother.
If you don't mind I'd like to speak with you.
In private?
Count Claudio can stay, what I have to say is about him.
What's the matter?
You might think I don't love you
I hope you will think better of me after I drop this bomb on you...
- Do you intend to get married tomorrow? - You know he does.
I'm not so sure... after I drop this bomb
That bitch is unfaithful if you still love her, marry her tomorrow.
but it would be more honorable if you changed your mind.
Conrade!
Conrade, where are you man!
I'm right here, man at your elbow
For Christ's sake, my elbow itched. I thought I had a scab there
I will get you back for that.
- Now, go on with your story . - Sit over here, then.
- Some treason, masters! - I know him!
Tonight I seduced Margaret,
Hero's servant,
and I called her Hero!
But first, you should know that the prince, Claudio and my master,
arranged by Don John,
Watched me fuck Margaret
And they thought Margaret was Hero?
Yeah, and Claudio ran off, fucking pissed!
We order you in the prince's name, stop!
Get the Master Constable Dogberry
We have discovered the most dangerous lechery ever seen in this country.
- Gentlemen! - Shut up!
There, sir.
- What do you want from me? - Sir, last night's watch...
captured a couple of the worst criminals in Messina.
He means well, sir
But he's always blabbering. Like they say, "when age comes, wit goes"
Well said, seriously, Verges.
Well, God's a fair man, if two men ride one horse, one must ride behind.
All men are not created equal.
- Seriously, he's retarded compared to you - Gifts from God.
- Gentlemen, you are becoming tedious. - If you'd like to say so, sir,
We're just the poor duke's officers,
but seriously, if I was as tedious as a king,
I would give all my wealth to you, your worship.
You'd give me all your tediousness?
Please, tell me your news.
Our watch has, as you know, comprehended two auspicious persons.
We'd like you to question them.
Question them yourself. and tell me what you find out.
I am in a fucking hurry, as you can probably tell.
Have some wine before you go.
We will now go questionable these men.
Meet me at the jail.
Have you come here, my lord, to marry this lady.
No.
To be married TO her. You've come to marry her.
Lady, do you come here to be married to this count.
I do.
If either of you have some secret reason why you should not be joined in marriage...
Speak up now.
- Do you have any, Hero? - No, my lord.
- Do you have any, Count? - I can answer for him, no.
Wait just a minute, Friar.
Father, will you, of your own free will,
- give me your daughter? - As freely, son, as God gave her to me.
And what do I have to give you in return...
that would equal in value, such a rare and precious gift?
Nothing, unless you give her back.
Good Prince, you taught me how to accept things nobly.
There, Leonato. Take your daughter back!
Don't give this rotten orange to your friend.
She only appears to be honorable from the outside.
Look how she blushes like a virgin! Wouldn't you swear, all of you looking at her,
that she was a virgin, by the way she presents herself? But she's not!
- She has been in a man's bed! - What the fuck, dude?
I won't be married, I won't join my soul with a proven slut.
No!
My dear lord, if it was you
that seduced her and took her virginity...
No, Leonato!
I did not seduce her...
I treated her like a brother would treat his sister,
with modest sincerity and appropriate affection.
And it seemed to you I didn't treat you the same?
You seemed to me like Diana in her bud before it bloomed,
but you are more hot blooded than Venus...
..or a house cat in heat, allowed to roam free.
Are you sick? Is that why you're talking like a nut job?
- Why don't you say something? - What should I say?
I've been dishonored. I arranged for my friend to marry a common whore.
Who was the man you talked to last night
by your window, between 12 and 1AM?
I didn't talk to any man at that hour!
Well, then you are no virgin. Leonato, I'm sorry you have to hear this.
I swear on my honor, we saw her...
and heard her at that hour last night
talking with a brute at her window, and this lecherous pice of shit
talked about the numerous times they met secretly to fuck.
Let's go. These secrets being revealed, has overwhelmed her.
Cousin! Why have you collapsed?
Doesn't anyone here have a dagger I can use to kill myself?
Die, Hero! Don't open your eyes!
Do I regret having only one child?
Why did I even have one?
Why did you once seem lovely to me?
- She has fallen into a pit of ink. - Sir, chill the fuck out!
I'm fucking flabbergasted, I don't know what to say.
- I swear, my cousin has been slandered! - Did you sleep in her room last night?
No, I didn't, but I did every night for the past year.
Then it's Confirmed!
Would the two princes lie and would Claudio lie?
Leave her, let her die!
Hear me out!
Lady, who is this dude you are accused of fucking?
Ask those accusing me. I don't know!
This is a misunderstanding worthy of a Threes Company episode.
Two of her accusers are very honorable.
If they've been tricked, it was by John the bastard.
If they accused her falsely I'm going to fuck their shit up.
Chill, dude, and listen to my advice .
Your daughter... the princes left for dead.
Hide her in your house for a while...
and tell everyone she is actually dead.
And then what?
We have to stick to our story, she died the instant she was accused,
she will be grieved, pitied, and forgiven, by anyone that hears it.
That's how Claudio will react, When he hears that his words killed her
Sweet thoughts of her will consume his imagination.
and every aspect of her lovely life will be dressed more beautifully in his mind
than when she was actually alive.
Then he will mourn, and wish he had not accused her of being a whore.
Sir Leonato, listen to the Friar's plan.
Since I am drowning in grief, I'll latch onto the smallest string.
He agrees. Now let's go.
Come, lady.
Die in order to live.
Your wedding day might be only postponed.
Be patient and stick it out.
Lady Beatrice, have you been crying the whole time?
Yes
- And I will keep crying - I wish you didn't
- You don't have to. I do it of my own free will. - I think your cousin was falsely accused.
I would give anything to the man that would avenge her.
-Is there a way to prove that one would do this? -Yes, but no one will do it.
- Can a man do it? - It's a job for a man... but not you.
I don't love anything in the world as much as you.
How weird is that?
As weird as this other shit I don't understand
I could just as easily say I love nothing more than you,
but don't believe me, even though I'm not lying.
I'm not confessing and denying anything. I feel sorry for my cousin.
I swear by my sword, Beatrice, you love me.
- Do not swear, then eat your words. - I will swear that you love me,
and I will make anyone eat my sword, that says I don't love you.
- Then, God forgive me. - What have you done, sweet Beatrice?
You stopped me just in time.
- I was about to confess my love to you. - Then do it, with all your heart.
I love you with so much of my heart that none of it is left to object.
Okay now, ask me to do anything for you.
Kill Claudio.
I will not do that for anything in the world.
-Rejecting my request kills me. Goodbye. -Wait
My body is here, but my heart is gone. You don't really love me.
- Let me go! - Beatrice!
- I'm leaving! - Not until we're cool .
How dare you try to be cool with me when you refuse to fight my enemy?
- Is Claudio your enemy? - Hasn't he proven himself an asshole?
He slandered, scorned, and dishonored my cousin?
Oh, if only I was a man!
What the fuck.. he led her on. until they were about to be married.
and then publicly accused her,
slandered her, It was so hateful.
Oh, God, if I was a man!
I would rip his heart out and eat it in public!
Listen to me, Beatrice.
Talking with a man at her bedroom window.
A likely story!
Sweet Hero!
She is wronged, she is slandered
She's ruined!
He is now considered as brave as Hercules
by telling a lie and swearing by it.
I can't become a man by wishing,
so I will die as a woman from grieving.
I swear by my hand, I love you.
Then put your hand to use to prove it.
Do you really think Claudio has wronged Hero?
Yes, as sure as I have a mind,
or a soul.
That's good enough for me
I'm in
I will challenge him.
Go.
Comfort your cousin.
I'll go tell them she's dead.
So, goodbye.
Is our whole disassembly here?
- Who are the malefactors? - That would be me, and my partner.
But who are the criminals to be questioned?
What is your name, friend?
Borachio.
Write down "Borachio"
- What's your name, dipshit? - I am a gentleman, sir.
And my name is Conrade.
Write down "Master Gentleman Conrade."
Masters, it has already been proven, you are no better than lying criminals.
How do you plead?
seriously, sir, we are not criminals.
Sir, we are not criminals.
- Did you write down, they are not criminals? - This is not the right way to question them.
First, you you have to speak to the watchmen who accused them.
Bring the watchmen forward.
I order you, in the prince's name, to accuse these men.
This man said that Don John, the prince's brother, was a bad guy.
- Write down "Prince John is a bad guy." - Master Constable...
Shut up, dude!
I don't like the look of you, I swear.
What else did you hear him say?
That he received 1 ,000 ducats from Don John for wrongfully accusing the lady Hero.
- That's burglary, if anything ever was. - Fuck yeah, it is.
- What else? - And that Count Claudio meant to
disgrace Hero in front of her wedding party and refuse to marry her.
You'll be condemned to everlasting redemption for this.
- What else? - That's everything.
This morning, Prince John secretly fled Messina.
Hero was accused and refused exactly as described
and from grief, died on the spot.
Master Constable, tie up these men and bring them to Leonato's.
Come on, let's get them opinioned.
Handcuff them!
Get away, fucktard!
For fuck's sake, where's the sexton?
He should write down, I was called a "fucktard!"
Come on, tie them up. You piece of shit!
Get away! You are an ass!
You are an ass!
Don't you suspect my position?
Don't you suspect my age?
Oh, if only the Sexton was here to write down that I am an ass!
Masters, remember - I am an ass.
Even though its's not written down, don't forget, I am an ass.
If you go on like this, you'll kill yourself.
Show me a father that loves his child...
as much as I love Hero
and ask him to be patient.
But that man doesn't exist,
You can try to comfort a man that feels pain you've never felt
but when they feel it too, comfort turns to rage.
Please, leave me alone! I am flesh and blood.
There has never been a philosopher who could endure a toothache patiently.
But don't take all that pain on yourself. Make sure the ones who wronged you suffer too.
Now you're talking. I definitely will.
I believe Hero was falsely accused, and I'll make sure that Claudio knows,
and the prince and everyone that dishonored her.
Here comes the prince and Claudio!
Listen, my lords
- We are in a hurry. - In a hurry? then goodbye.
- You're in a hurry, now that my daughter is dead? - Don't pick a fight with us
If he could right his wrongs by fighting, some of us should hide.
- Who has wronged him? - You have wronged me, you liar!
Don't reach for your sword. I'm not afraid of you!
Curse my hand if it ever threatened an old man like you.
- Seriously, I wasn't reaching for my sword. - Damn you! Don't mock and sneer at me!
I'm not a feeble old fool. You have wronged my innocent child.
- You've got it wrong, old man. - I'll prove it over his dead body!
get the fuck outta here!
You think you can be rid of me so easily?
You have killed my child!
If you kill me, boy, then you've killed a man.
He'll have to kill both of us, but let him try to kill just one, first!
Little man, I'll fuck you up! I swear as a gentleman, I will.
Quiet! God knows I loved my niece,
and she is dead, slandered to death by these assholes.
Piece of shit, disrespectful, fancy-pants boys,
who lie and cheat, and mock, defame and slander.
Don't worry about it. Don't get involved.
Let me handle it.
Gentlemen, we won't stay to test your patience.
I am sorry about your daughter's death,
But I swear, those charges were true and backed up by proof.
I won't hear any more about it.
No?
Come on, brother, let's go. I will be heard by someone.
And you will, or these fuckers will suffer.
Look, here comes just the man we were looking for.
- What's up, man? - Hello, my lord.
You just missed a fight that was barely avoided.
We were about to have our noses snapped off by two old men without teeth.
Can I have a word with you?
You are a baddie I'm not fucking around.
I challenge you in whatever way you choose.
Accept my challenge, or I will tell everyone you are chicken shit.
You've killed an innocent woman, and you're going to pay for it.
See you later, boy.
You know my intentions.
My lord, for your kindness, I thank you.
But we can't hang out anymore
Your brother Don Jon, the bastard has fled Messina.
The three of you have killed a pure and innocent girl.
As for Lord Babyface over there, we will duel.
Until then...
goodbye.
He's serious.
- Super fucking serious. - And he challenged you.
Very seriously.
Officers, what crime have these men committed?
Well sir, they've lied. Also, they said things that were not true.
secondarily, slander, sixth and lastly, they falsely accused a lady,
thirdly, they confirmed things that didn't happen, and to conclude, they are lying pieces of shit.
What have you done, that resulted in your arrest?
This educated policeman is too smart to be understood.
I have deceived you.
What you, in all your wisdom, did not see, these idiots have uncovered,
They heard me at night, confess to Conrade
how Don John your brother
pressured me to slander Hero,
How you saw me fucking Margaret...
how you disgraced Hero when you were going to marry her.
Hero is dead
because of my and my master's false accusation.
Sweet Hero!
Come, take away the plaintiffs.
By now, the sexton has reformed Sir Leonato about this.
And, sirs, don't forget to specify,
when it's convenient, that I am an ass.
Here, here... comes Sir Leonato, and the sexton, too.
Which one did it? Let me see what he looks like!
If you want to see who wronged you, look at me.
Are you the asshole, who with your slanderous words, has killed my innocent child?
Yes, only me.
No, that's not true, villain. You didn't work alone.
Here are two "honorable men"
A third has run away... he also helped.
I thank you for my daughter's death.
Add it to your list of worthy deeds.
It was very brave of you.
I don't know how to ask you forgiveness... but I have to say something.
Choose your revenge against me.
Punish me in whatever fucked up way you can think of,
But my only sin was being mistaken.
Same here.
I can't ask you to make my daughter live. That's impossible.
But please, tell the people of Messina that she was innocent when she died.
And if your love can produce something out of sadness,
Write a tribute to hang on her grave
and sing it to her bones.
Sing it tonight.
Tomorrow morning come to my house,
and since you couldn't be my son-in-law,
be my nephew instead.
My brother has a daughter.
She looks almost exactly like Hero.
And she is heir to both our estates.
Marry her, as you should have married her cousin,
and I won't seek revenge.
Oh, noble sir.
Your overwhelming kindness is making me cry.
I willingly accept your offer...
and from now on demand whatever you want from me.
Tomorrow, I will be expecting you.
Goodbye, for now.
This asshole will be taken to face Margaret,
I think she was mixed up in this shit.
No, I swear, she wasn't,
she didn't know the implications of what she said to me,
She's honest and good. That's what I've always heard.
Also, sir, which hasn't been written down, this plaintiff here,
the criminal, called me "an ass".
Please keep that in mind when you punish him.
Thank you for your efforts.
Sir, you speak like a thankful and respectful boy
and may God bless you.
This is for your trouble.
God save the charity!
Go.
You are relieved of your duty, thank you.
I leave this fucking dipshit with you,
which I hope you will correct yourself, to make an example of him.
May God restore your health.
I humbly let you go now,
and may we meet again in the future,
God prohibit it!
Come on, man.
I'll see you tomorrow morning, gentlemen, goodbye.
Goodbye, gentlemen. We'll see you tomorrow.
We won't flake on you.
Tonight...
I'll mourn for Hero.
Killed...
by slanderous words...
was Hero, who lies here.
Death, as punishment for her injustice...
gives her undying fame.
So the life...
that died with shame...
lives on...
with glorious fame.
Please forgive, goddess of the night,
The men who killed your virgin knight
Those men sing songs of woe
as they walk around her grave.
Midnight, join our moaning
Help us with our sighs and groans
Heavily, heavily
Heavily
The God of love
Who sits in Heaven above
And he knows me
How much pity I deserve...
My singing deserves pity, but as a lover,
Take Leander or Troilus, the first to use medieval Tinder,
and an entire book's worth of these legendary lover boys
whose names sound so smooth in a line of verse,
none of them were driven as crazy by love
as I have been.
But I can't prove it in a poem.
I have tried.
I can't think of a rhyme for "lady" but... "baby". That's dumb.
For "scorn"... "horn". That's fucked up.
For "school"... "fool". That's fucking stupid.
Very questionable endings for a relationship.
No...
I was not destined to be a poet,
I can't court a lady with fancy words.
Sweet Beatrice, Did you come because I called for you?
Yes, sir, and I'll leave when you ask me to.
Oh, stay until then.
You said "Then". Goodbye.
But...
before I go...
tell me what happened between you and Claudio.
Only foul words, and with that, I will kiss you.
Foul words makes for foul breath, and foul breath is nauseating. So I will leave unkissed.
You have frightened the meaning of the word with your forceful wit.
I have challenged Claudio, and if he doesn't respond soon...
or I'll tell everyone that he's a pussy.
Now, please,
tell me, which of my bad qualities did you first fall in love with?
For all of them at once.
Combined, they create such an evil person...
that they won't let any good enter into the mix.
Which of my good parts did you first suffer love for me?
Suffer love! That's a good expression, becauseI love you against my will.
You love me in spite of your heart. Oh, poor heart.
If you spite your heart for my sake, I will spite it for yours.
I will never love something my friend hates.
We are too clever to woo each other peacefully.
But tell me,
how is your cousin doing?
She's very sick.
And how are you doing?
I'm very sick too.
Have faith,
love me...
and get better.
Someone's in a hurry.
You have to go see your uncle there is quite a ruckus there.
It has been proven, my lady Hero was falsely accused...
the prince and Claudio were fucked over,
and Don John is mastermind behind it.
who has run away.
Will you come...
now?
Will you come with me to hear this news, sir?
I will live in your heart, cum in your lap and be buried in your eyes,
and also, I will go with you to your uncle's house.
- Didn't I tell you she was innocent? - So are the prince and Claudio
who accused her based on bullshit But Margaret...
was partially responsible.
I'm glad everything turned out so well.
Now Hero, and you ladies, go hide and when I say, come out wearing masks.
The prince and Claudio promised to be here by now.
You know your job. You have to pretend to be your niece's father, and give her away to Claudio.
I will do it, with a straight face.
- Friar, I have a favor to ask. - To do what, sir?
To tie me up or undo me, one or the other.
Sir Leonato, the truth is, good sir,
your niece, Beatrice, is into me.
And you are into her because of me, Claudio and the prince.
- What do you want? - Your answer is fucking puzzling...
but what I want, is your blessing for Beatrice and I
to be be married today.
for which, good Friar, I'll need your help.
- I'm on board. - And I'll help.
Here come the prince and Claudio.
Good morning to these lovely people.
Good morning, Prince. Good morning, Claudio. We've been expecting you.
Are you still planning to marry my brother's daughter today?
Bring her out, brother. the friar is ready.
Which one is the lady I have to take possession of?
This one here, and now I give her to you.
- Let me see your face. - No. You won't see her face
until you take her hand before this friar and swear to marry her.
Give me your hand before this holy friar.
I am your husband...
if you will have me.
The Hero that... died.
She was dead, my lord, only as long as her slander lived.
And when I lived,
I was your other wife.
And when you loved me...
you were my other husband.
One Hero died disgraced, but I am alive.
And surely as I am alive... I am a virgin.
I can confirm all this shit is true.
After the wedding ceremony, I'll tell you about beautiful Hero's death.
Wait a minute, Friar!
Which one is Beatrice?
That's my name.
What do you want?
Do you love me?
No
No more than is reasonable.
Your uncle and the prince and Claudio swore you did.
- Do you love me? - No. No more than is reasonable.
Then my cousin, Margaret and Ursula have been deceived.
- They swore you did. - They swore you were sick in love with me.
- They swore you were terminally ill in love with me. - Well Then...
you don't love me?
No, seriously, just as a friend.
Come on, niece. I am sure you love him!
I'll swear that he loves her, This is in his handwriting...
a clumsy poem, he wrote himself, dedicated to Beatrice.
And here's another poem, in my cousin's handwriting I stole from her pocket,
about her affection for Benedick.
What a miracle!
Our handwriting gives away our hearts.
Come on
I'll take you, but really, its only out of pity
I won't say no to you,
but I'm only doing this because of peer pressure and to save your life.
- I heard you were wasting away. - Shut up!
Or I will shut you up...
How do you feel, Benedick, to be a married man?
I'll tell you what, Prince,
a gang of shit talkers couldn't ruin my mood.
Do you think I care what I'm called?
I don't. And since I intend to get married,
I won't listen to anyone saying anything against it,
so don't make fun of me for what I've said against it.
Because man...
is a fickle creature,
that's my conclusion.
As for you, Claudio, I am certain I would've won our duel...
but since we are going to be related...
You will be unharmed,
and love my cousin.
Come on. We're all friends!
Let's have a dance before we're married
It will be fun!
There will be dancing after the wedding.
No, before.
So play music!
Prince, you look sad.
Get yourself a wife.
Your brother John was caught as he fled and brought by armed men back to Messina.
Let it go, until tomorrow.
I'll think of some fucked up punishment for him.
Now play, musicians!