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Hamlet, think of me as a new father...
everyone should know you are next for the throne.
I love you as much...
as any father loves a son...
I want you to know that.
Though memories of my brother Hamlet...
are fresh in in our minds...
and though it was appropriate to mourn him...
throughout our kingdom.
Life goes on.
Its best to mourn him...
while also thinking about our own future.
So, my former sister-in-law, now our queen...
who has legal right to her dead spouse's estate.
We have, with conflicted joy...
crying tears of happiness and sadness simultaneously...
With laughter at funeral and crying at a wedding...
gotten married.
Hey, Laertes, what's up?
You have a favor to ask of me. What is it, Laertes?
I'm thinking about France...
please, let me go back.
Do you have your your father's permission? What does Polonius say?
Yes, my lord, he just wouldn't shut up about it
so finally...
I agreed. Please, let him go.
Leave whenever, Laertes.
I hope you have a good time.
Goodbye.
And now, Hamlet, my nephew and my son.
One relation is more than enough.
Why are you so gloomy with a cloud hanging over you?
No I'm not, I'm out in the sun.
How sweet, what a good son your are, Hamlet...
to mourn like this for your father.
But, you have to remember, your father lost a father.
And his father, lost his.
But continuing to mourn...
out of sheer stubbornness is blasphemous.
It's very emo. God hates that shit.
As for your desire to go back to school in Wittenberg...
It's the opposite of what I want.
Stay with us in Denmark.
The highest-ranking member of my court, my nephew, and now my son.
Dearest Hamlet...
stop dressing so goth.
and consider the king a friend.
You can't go through life staring at the ground...
looking for your dead father in the dirt.
You know its natural...
everything that lives must die...
passing from Earth to Heaven.
Yes, madam, it's natural.
If you agree, why does it seem like you have a problem?
"Seem", madam! No, I DO.
I don't "seem" anything.
Not my black cloak, dearest mother...
Or any other show of grief, can capture what I actually feel.
It "seems" like grief because its how a grieving man would act in a play.
but inside I have real grief.
My clothes are just an outward representation of it.
Don't let your mother's prayers be for nothing, Hamlet.
Please, stay here. Don't return to Wittenberg.
I'll seriously consider it, madam.
Your willingness to stay makes me happy.
I wish my dirty flesh would melt...
and vaporize.
Or that God had not made a law against suicide.
How tired, stale, dull, and worthless...
life seems to me.
Fuck it!
It's like an unattended garden growing wild.
Only nasty, gross weeds grow in it now.
I can't believe it has come to this.
Only dead for two months. No, not even two.
Such a great king...
As superior to my uncle, as god is to a beast.
He was so loving to my mother, he would not let the wind
blow on her face too hard.
Oh God, do I have to remember that?
She would hang on his arm
as if the more she was with him, the more she wanted to be with him.
But despite that, within a month... I don't want to think about it
Women! You are so weak!
Dear Ophelia, My things are already on the ship.
Goodbye.
As for Hamlet, and the attention he's giving you
Consider it a passing thing. No more.
- Not more? - Think of it that way.
Perhaps he loves you now, but you must consider...
He belongs to the royal family, he can't choose whoever he wants
He's a slave to his family's obligations.
He can't, like a common person, make choices for himself
Because the welfare of the nation is affected by his choices.
Then think about how it would stain your reputation...
If you believe his affectionate words.
You're still here, Laertes? Get on board, shame on you!
The wind is filling your ship's sail, and is forced to wait for you.
Here, I give you my blessing.
Remember a few life lessons, to be a stand up dude.
Don't say what you're thinking, and don't act on anything that you haven't thought through.
Be friendly, but not too friendly.
the friends you have, who've proved trustworthy...
hang onto them, with all your heart.
Don't be coaxed into a fight. but, if you are, hold your own.
Listen to everyone, but speak your mind to few.
Spend as much as you can afford on clothes...
but not that Ed Hardy shit. Quality clothes, not gaudy.
Because clothes make the man.
Don't borrow or lend money. A loan to a a friend will lose the friend and the money...
and borrowing will make you a cheapskate. .
Most importantly, be true to yourself...
which will naturally result...
In not betraying anyone else.
The time is now. Go, your servants await.
Goodbye, Ophelia, and remember what I told you.
It is locked in my memory and you have the key.
What, Ophelia, did he tell you?
If you don't mind, it was something about the Lord Hamlet.
That's nice.
I've heard that Hamlet has recently spent some time with you.
Yes father, several times he has offered affection to me.
Affection?
Do you believe his "offers", as you call them?
I don't know what to think, my lord.
I'll mansplain it to you.
Have more self respect.
He talked about his love for me in an honorable fashion.
yes, "fashion", thats accurate, come on now!
And he's backed up his affectionate words with holy vows
yes, vows like bird traps.
I know that when a man is horny, he will swear to anything.
You should not, to be blunt, from now on...
spend any time with him or even speak to Hamlet.
Do as I say. I order you! Now come with me.
I will, my lord.
Bow to your king!
It's Horatio, right?
- Hows it going? - My lord.
It's good to see you.
But what brings you from Wittenberg?
- School is not for me, good my lord. - I wouldn't let your enemies say that.
I know you wouldn't drop out of school.
But what is your business in Elsinore?
My lord, I came to attend your father's funeral.
Please, don't fuck with me, fellow student.
I think you came to see my mother's wedding.
Yes, sir, the wedding came soon after.
You're such a cheapskate, Horatio.
The funeral leftovers made for tasty snacks at the wedding.
I would rather meet my worst enemy in heaven than live to see that awful day, Horatio.
My father, I think I see my father.
I saw him once. He was an impressive king.
He was a great man. Perfect in every way.
I'll never see his equal again.
I think I saw him last night.
Who did you see?
My lord, the king, your father.
The king, my father?
Chill out for a second and listen...
while I tell you, with these dudes as my witnesses, this crazy shit.
For fucks sake, tell me.
For the last two nights, these two guardsmen...
during their watch in middle of the night, came across:
A figure that looked like your father.
Three times, he walked by them... they were too shocked to speak.
He was less than a staffs distance away...
while they, stood shaking like jelly, in fear ...
too shocked to speak.
They told me this, swearing me to secrecy...
I was with them on the third night to stand guard...
where, just when they said it would,
and just as they described, the ghost appeared.
It looked like your father. My hands don't look more alike.
- Where did this happen? - At the platform where we stand guard.
- Didn't you try to talk to it? - My lord, I did, but it didn't answer.
But once, I thought it raised its head...
as if it was about to say something.
But just then, the rooster began to crow...
and when the ghost heard that, it flinched, then vanished.
So fucking weird.
- I swear on my life, it happened. - Ok, but its disturbing.
- Do you have guard duty tonight? - Yes, my lord.
Did he look pissed off?
He looked more sad than pissed.
- He looked straight at you? - The entire time.
- I wish I was there. - You would have been fucking flabbergasted.
I'll join you tonight. Maybe it will come again.
I bet it will.
If you have kept this a secret until now, shut the fuck up about it.
Whatever you say.
Your friendship to me, and mine to you. goodbye.
My father's ghost.
So fucked up.
Something is not right.
I wish it were night already. Until then, I have to chill.
Bad intentions will be revealed...
No matter how deep they are buried.
Every cheerful toast I drink today...
Will sound like cannons up to the clouds above!
What does that mean, my lord? Is it a tradition?
Yes, it is.
But I think its a tradition better ignored than observed.
Because of our loud partying...
Other countries talk shit about us.
They call us drunks...
and it does, hurt our reputation.
The air is biting. It is very cold.
What time is it?
It's getting close to the time that the ghost normally appears.
It's just like what happens to some people...
who are born with some terrible defect...
As wonderful and talented as they may be...
will make them look bad to others...
because of that defect.
Look, here comes the ghost!
Angels protect us.
Whether you are a good spirit or bad...
Bringing a breeze from Heaven or blast of heat from hell.
Whether your intentions are evil or good...
I must speak to you.
I'll call you Hamlet...
King, father...
royal Dane.
Answer me.
- Don't do it. - Why, what should I be afraid of?
I don't value my life one bit.
As for my soul, what can the ghost do to it? It's just as immortal as the ghost is.
What if it leads you toward the sea?
or to the high cliff that overhangs the water...
and then morphs into a beast so horrible...
that seeing it, drives you insane?
Think about it.
I'm following it.
- Don't go, my lord! - let go of me!
I swear, I'll kill any of you that holds me back!
Back the fuck off!
Go on, I'll follow you.
I am the ghost of your father...
doomed for a time, to walk the Earth at night...
and during the day, in the fires of purgatory.
If I wasn't forbidden to tell you of my experience in purgatory...
I could tell you stories...
that would fuck up your head.
Listen.
If you ever loved your dear father...
Take revenge for his unjustified murder.
Murder?
This murder was fucked up, as all murders are.
But this murder was super fucked up.
Everyone was told...
that while sleeping in my orchard, a poisonous snake bit me.
But you should know, descendant of the king...
the real snake that bit your father, is wearing his crown.
Oh, I know who!
My uncle.
Yes, that incestuous, adulterous asshole
with his clever words, and traitorous tendencies...
he seduced...
my seemingly virtuous queen.
But, wait.
I think I smell the morning air.
I must speak quickly.
As I was sleeping in my orchard...
As I did every afternoon...
Your uncle snuck up...
with Henbane poison in a vial...
and into my ear, he poured the poison.
And thats how, while sleeping, my brother took...
my life, crown, queen. All at once.
In the middle of my sinful life.
I did not have a chance to repent...
I died with my my sins unforgiven.
So fucked up!
Totally fucked up!
If you have any feeling for me, don't let this shit stand!
Don't let the bed of the Danish king...
be a nest of incest.
But, whatever your revenge plan is...
don't even think about...
harming your mother.
Leave her fate to god.
and to the torment of her own guilt.
Goodbye now.
The glowworm's light is fading, so dawn is near...
and begins to drown out its glow.
Goodbye.
Remember me.
Remember you?
Yes, you poor ghost...
As long as I have memories in my distracted head.
Remember you?
Yes, from the content of my memory...
I'll forget trivial facts...
So I can remember your commandment...
within the capacity of my mind...
not mixed with frivolous shit.
Yes, by god!
Oh you bitch!
You cunt!
Bitch with a shit-eating grin!
Where's my notebook! I should write that down...
That someone can smile
and smile
and still be evil!
So, uncle...
there you are.
Now I must keep my promise.
It is, "Goodbye. Goodbye"
He said, "Remember me."
I swore I will.
This shit is going down.
Hello, hello there, my lord!
Hello, hello there boy, come here.
What happened?
- No, you'll blab about it. - I won't, my lord, I swear.
There's not a criminal in Denmark...
who's not full of shit.
You don't need a ghost rising from the grave to tell you that.
You are right. We should shake hands and part ways.
Thats crazy talk.
I am sorry if I offended you. Seriously.
- I'm not offended, my lord. - You should be, Horatio, very offended.
This ghost is the real deal, I'll tell you that much.
And now, my friends, do me a solid...
Keep your mouths shut about what you saw tonight.
- We won't talk. - Pinky swear!
Pinky swear. Never talk about what you saw.
Never talk about what you heard.
Holy fuck, this is super strange.
So welcome it, like you would a stranger.
There are more things in the galaxy, Horatio...
than you've even dreamed of.
Now listen!
Just as you swore before
Now matter how strange I act.
Because from now on, I may have reason to act fucking crazy.
Keep your mouths shut.
Pinky swear!
We pinky swear.
Rest.
Rest, angry ghost.
Everything is fucked.
And goddammit, I'm supposed to fix it.
Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's Day
And early in the morning,
I'm just a girl
waiting at a boy's window
To be his Valentine.
What's up?
I'm pretty sure I found the reason for Hamlet's insanity.
Tell me about it, I'm dying to know!
My lord and my lady...
to make grand speeches about what majesty is, what servitude is...
why day is day, night is night, and time is time...
would be no more than a waste of night, day, and time.
So, since being concise is the essence of wisdom, I'll get to the point.
Your son is crazy.
"crazy" I'm calling it...
because how can you define craziness other than to say it's craziness?
- But that's another story. - Stick to the point.
Madam, I swear, I'm sticking to the point.
He's crazy, it sucks, but its true.
It's true, it sucks, and it sucks that it's true.
Now I'm babbling. I'll get to the point.
If we all agree Hamlet is crazy
then the next step ...
is to figure out the cause of this effect.
Or should I say, the cause of this defect
Since this defective effect must have a cause.
That's what we have to do, It's what needs to be done.
I have a daughter, until she gets married
who felt it was her duty, to give me this letter.
Now, listen to this.
"To the heavenly...
idol of my soul, the most beautified Ophelia"
That's an awful way to put it. "Beautified" that's a terrible use of the word.
But I'll continue.
Hamlet wrote this to Ophelia?
Madam, chill. I'll read it.
"You may wonder if the stars are fire
and wonder if the sun moves
Wonder if truth is a lie.
But never wonder about my love.
Yours forever, my dearest lady,
as long as I live, Hamlet."
Out of respect for me she showed me this letter.
How does she feel about it?
- What do you think of me? - You are a stand up dude.
I'd like to prove it. I told my daughter...
that she should ghost him.
So, it really fucked him up. The short story is...
He fell into depression, stopped eating, got dizzy...
and spun downward into insanity
We are all sad about it.
Has there ever been a time; Seriously, I want to know,
When I stated a truth that turned out to be bullshit?
- I don't think so. - decapitate me, if I'm wrong.
How can we test your theory?
You know, sometimes he walks four hours at a time, here in the hall.
Yes, he does.
During that time, I'll send my daughter to see him.
We'll hide behind a tapestry to see what happens.
If he doesn't love her, it proves she's not the reason he's crazy...
So fire me.
Look how sadly the miserable bum sits there, reading.
I'll speak with him now.
Do you think this is why Hamlet is going nuts?
I doubt it's not the obvious reason.
His father's death, and our sudden marriage.
Do you know who I am, my lord?
Of course. You sell fish.
- That's not me. - Then I hope you are as honorable as a fish seller.
Honorable, my lord?
To be honest, in this world, an honorable man is 1 in 10,000.
Because if the sun can breed maggots in a dead dog...
by shining on the carcass...
- Do you have a daughter? - I do, my lord.
Don't let her walk out in the sun.
Pregnancy is a blessing, but if your daughter gets pregnant...
Dude, think about it.
Still going on about my daughter.
What are you reading, my lord?
Words.
What's the subject, my lord?
- of what? - The subject you are reading about.
Lies, sir.
The jokester that wrote this says that old men have gray beards...
their faces are wrinkled...
their eyes full of crust and gunk...
and that they lack wisdom and have weak legs.
Sometimes his replies are so profound.
All of which, I wholeheartedly believe...
I would still argue that it's fucked up to write it down.
You would be as old as me if you could travel backward, like a crab.
I'll take my leave now.
You cannot take anything from me...
that I would give up more willingly.
Except my life.
Ophelia, I hope that your beauty...
is the reason for Hamlet's insanity.
I also hope that your virtues have the power to make him sane.
for both of your benefit.
Madam, I hope so too.
Ophelia, come here.
Your Majesty, if its ok with you, we're are going to talk in private.
Read from this prayer book.
I hear him coming. Let's get outta here.
Beautiful Ophelia, remember me when you pray.
I will, my lord...
how've you been?
Thank you for asking, I'm fine.
My lord, I have some of your mementos
that I have been meaning to give back to you.
please, take them.
No, it wasn't me. I never gave you anything.
You know very well that you did.
And with them, you wrote sweet letters
that made your gifts even more valuable.
They don't bring me joy anymore, take them back.
There, my lord.
- Are you good? - Excuse me?
- Are you beautiful? - What do you mean?
That if you are good and beautiful...
your goodness should have nothing to do with your beauty.
Could beauty be related to anything better than goodness?
I used to love you.
You made me believe you did.
You shouldn't have believed me. I didn't love you!
Where's your father?
At home, my lord.
Lock him in...
so his buffoonery is confined to his own house!
If you do get married, I'll give you this curse as a wedding present
Even if you are as clean as ice, and as pure as snow...
Everyone will still think you're a bitch!
Or, if you must get married, marry an idiot
because a wise man will know that you'll cheat on him.
I know about the make-up you wear.
You have a god-given face but paint another over it.
You shake your ass when you walk. You call horses "horsies"
and play dumb when you're accused of being seductive.
Fuck that! I won't put up with it! It makes me crazy!
I declare, there will be no more marriages.
Anyone who's married already, with one exception, will stay married.
Everyone else will stay single.
We have to keep an eye on him, a close eye.
I've made a quick decision.
He will be sent to England, to try to get back the money they owe us.
Hopefully the sea and the excitement of being abroad
will be a distraction.
When important people go nuts, you have to keep tabs on them.
Is it better to live, or to die? That is the question.
Is is better to put up with the shit
that luck throws your way
or to avoid your hardships
by putting an end to them?
dying
is sleeping.
A sleep that ends the heartache
and all the pains of life we are susceptible to.
That is an end...
to hope for.
To die...
to sleep.
To sleep, maybe to dream.
Yes, but there's the catch.
Because in that sleep of death, the kind of dreams you might have
when we leave behind our daily strife,
is something to consider.
That's the dilemma
that causes us to endure our suffering for so long.
Because who would endure the humiliations of life
The oppression of the powerful, Arrogant mens' insults
the pain of unrequited love, the inefficiency of the judicial system
the disrespect of people in office, and the abuse...
of good people by assholes
when you can end it all...
with an unsheathed dagger.
Who would endure their hardships,
slogging through a shitty life
unless they were frightened of what happens after death
the final frontier...
from which no traveler returns
which we can only speculate about
so we endure the troubles we know
rather than to face ones we don't?
So, the fear of death makes us all cowards
and our natural willingness to act
is compromised by over thinking.
Actions of great urgency and importance
are derailed by this kind of thinking
and stop being actions at all.
- My honored lord. - My most dear lord.
Dudes!
What's up, Guildenstern? Rosencrantz?
How's it going, guys?
What have you done, my good friends, to deserve...
Being sent to this shit hole?
- Shit hole, my lord? - Denmark's a shit hole.
We don't think so, my lord.
Well, then, it isn't one to you...
because nothing is inherently good or bad, it's a matter of opinion.
My opinion is, its a shit hole.
It's because you are so ambitious. It's too small for your big ideas.
Oh, God.
I could live in a nutshell, and feel like the king of the universe...
- But I have bad dreams. - Dreams are a sign of ambition...
After all, ambition is just the shadow of a dream.
Should we go inside? I can't think straight anymore.
Why have you returned to Elsinore?
To visit you, my lord. No other reason.
I'm an outcast, My thanks are not worth much.
But, my dear friends, Did someone tell you to visit me?
Was it your own idea?
Not a business trip?
Come on, be honest with me. Come on, tell me.
- What should we say? - Anything, as long as it answers my question.
Your Poker faces suck.
I know the King and Queen sent for you.
Why would they do that?
You'll have to tell me.
Now, stop bullshitting, Were you sent for or not!
My lord, we were sent for.
I'll tell you why.
If I'm correct, you won't have to tell me...
and your promise to the king and queen will not be broken.
Recently, I don't know why, I've lost all sense of joy...
stopped exercising.
And feel so depressed...
that the entire world
seems empty to me.
This beautiful canopy, the sky, look at it
this splendid overarching sky
A majestic roof decorated with golden sunlight
To me, its nothing more...
than diseased-filled air.
What a perfect creation a human is.
In his ability to think.
Unlimited in ability.
In body and movement. so expressive and beautiful.
In action, so angelic, in understanding, so god-like.
The most beautiful thing in the world, The most perfect of all animals.
But to me...
Man is the perfection of dust
Man does not impress me.
Neither does woman...
but you're smiling, so you must disagree.
- I wasn't thinking that. - Why did you laugh then...
- when I said, "Man doesn't impress me"? - I was thinking, if you're not impressed by men...
You won't be entertained by the troupe of actors coming here.
Gentlemen, welcome to Elsinore.
Will you make sure the actors have accommodations?
They are the storytellers of our time.
When you die, you'd be better off to have a bad epitaph...
than to have their ill will while you're alive.
- I will give them what they deserve. - For fucks sake, give them more than that!
If you gave everyone what they deserved, would anyone ever avoid a whipping?
Bring them inside.
Follow him, friends.
We'll see a play tomorrow.
Gentlemen, welcome to Elsinore.
But my uncle-father and aunt-mother have the wrong idea.
In what way, my dear lord?
I am only crazy sometimes.
and other times, I know exactly whats up.
Am I a coward?
Fuck, I hope not. but I am enough of a coward..
lacking the nerve to be vengeful
otherwise, I would have fed to the birds...
this fuckhead's innards!
Fucking evil bastard!
Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, evil asshole!
Oh, revenge!
Oh, I am an ass.
I am so brave...
that as the son of a beloved murdered father
called on to seek revenge by heaven and hell...
But all I can do, is just talk about my problems
and curse like a whore in the street. I'm such a little bitch!
Fuck! Fuck!
Think, brain.
I have heard that guilty people watching a play...
can be so affected by the performance
that they have confessed their crimes.
I'll have these actors perform something like my father's murder...
for my uncle.
I'll watch him. And test his conscience.
If he flinches, I'll know what to do.
The ghost I saw might be the devil...
The devil has the ability to appear as a familiar form.
He might be taking advantage of my sadness...
he is very influential to sad people, tricking me into damnation.
I need more solid evidence.
The play is what I will use...
to reveal the true intentions of the king.
The show will start soon.
Hurry up!
Watch my uncle.
If his hidden guilt is not revealed in that one scene...
Then it was a demon ghost we saw, and my accusations are wrong.
- I can't talk now. Take your seat. - I will, my lord.
These are the best actors in the world...
either for tragedy, comedy, history
country-life, country-life comedy, historical country-life
historical tragedy
historical country-life comical tragedy.
For traditional plays and improvisations...
these are best actors around.
My lord, you performed in plays in college, right?
I did, I was considered quite a good actor.
What role did you play?
I played Julius Caesar.
I was killed in the Capitol. Brutus killed me.
What an asshole to kill such a great man.
How are you holding up, Hamlet?
Excellent, I eat chameleon food.
I eat the air, It's full of opportunity.
Come here, my dear Hamlet, sit by me.
No thanks, mother, this seat is more attractive.
- Lady, should I lay on your lap? - No, my lord.
I mean, put my head on your lap?
- Yes, my lord. - Did you think I was talking about sex?
I wasn't thinking anything, my lord.
That's a nice thought, to lie between a girl's legs.
- What is, my lord? - Nothing.
- You're in a good mood. - Who, me?
- Yes, my lord. - Oh, God.
What else should I be?
Look how cheerful my mother is
and my father's been dead less than two hours.
No, it's been more than two months
That long?
Holy shit, he died two months ago, and hasn't been forgotten yet?
There is hope that memories of a great man might last six months.
Go to a convent. Why would you want to birth sinners?
I'm as good as the next man, but could accuse myself of such crimes...
that it would have been better if I was never born.
I'm arrogant, vengeful, ambitious, and have more criminal desires...
than I have ideas for or imagination to concoct
or time to commit them.
Why should men like me be allowed to exist on earth?
Don't believe any of us.
For our performance of this tragedy...
we ask for your compassion...
Please watch it patiently.
- Is this a prologue, or the inscription on ring? - Yes, it was brief
As brief as a woman's love.
Its been thirty years since we were joined...
in the sacred bond of marriage.
I hope we stay in love...
for another thirty years.
But if I die today...
you could find another parter.
No, If you die...
I'd say, fuck everyone else!
Loving another, would betray my heart.
If I take a second husband, Let me be cursed.
Only a woman that killed her first husband would wed a second.
Cold!
I know that's what you think now.
But one's mind can be changed.
This world will not last forever So its not surprising that...
even our loves change along with our luck.
What if she breaks that vow?!
For now and forever may I know no peace...
After becoming a widow, I am ever a wife again.
Madam, how are you liking this play?
The lady is overdoing it, I think.
- But she'll keep her promise. - Do you know the plot?
- Is there anything offensive in it? - No, its just a joke...
All in good fun. Not offensive at all.
- What's the play called? - The Mousetrap.
It's more hacky than The Boondock Saints but who cares?
We have clear consciences, It doesn't concern us.
This is Lucianus, the king's nephew.
- You're quite the play-by-play announcer. - The king's name is Gonzago.
Spoiler alert...
The murderer wins the love of Gonzago's wife.
How are you feeling?
I need some...
I need some light!
Turn on the lights! Stop the play!
What?!, is he scared of a gun firing a blank?
let the shot deer go cry!
let the shot deer go cry.
While the unharmed deer plays.
Because some must watch while others must sleep
That's the way of the world.
Oh, Horatio...
I'll bet the ghost was right, I'd put $1,000 on it. Did you see?
- Very well. - When poison was mentioned?
I watched him closely...
Don't believe any of us. We are all total frauds.
Go to a convent, make it fast.
Goodbye.
Can I have a word with you.
- You can have an entire novel. - The King, sir.
Yes, what about him?
He is in his chambers now, and very upset.
- He's drunk? - No, he's pissed off.
If you were smart, you would tell this to a doctor.
Stop fucking around, and give me a straight answer.
- I can't. - Can't what?
Give you a straight answer. I'm all fucked up in the head.
- The Queen, your mother, sent me to see you. - It's good to see you.
Your behavior shocked her.
Oh what a wonderful son I am, that I can shock my mother!
My lord, what's wrong with you?
You're closing yourself off...
refusing to tell your friends what's wrong.
Will you play this pipe?
I can't, my lord.
Oh, come on, it's as easy as lying.
I don't know how.
Well, look at that how you treat me like a fool!
You keep trying to play me.
to discover the root of my problems...
Playing all the octaves of my range.
For fuck's sake Do you think you can play me, easier than a pipe?
I'll see my mother soon.
- We'll let her know. - "soon" doesn't really mean anything.
It's the time of night when witches come out.
when graveyards open and the stench of hell seeps out.
I could drink hot blood...
and do things so terrible that when people see in the morning they will be super freaked out.
But wait, I must see my mother.
My crime is so rotten, it stinks to heaven.
It has the mark of Cain on it...
A brother's murder.
I could easily do it now, as he's praying. I'm fucking doing it.
He'll go to heaven, and I'll have my revenge.
I need to think about this...
A douchebag kills my father.
And I, his only son, kills that douchebag
when he is ready to die.
I'd be doing him a favor, not getting revenge.
This situation is so fucked up!
My heart is as black as death!
No. I'll wait until he's passed out, or partying...
or fucking his sister...
then I'll kill him, his feet will kick up toward heaven...
While his damned black soul falls straight down to hell .
I going to see my mother.
It's good to have someone listening, other than your mother.
Hide, I hear him coming.
- Please, be tough with him. - Don't worry about me.
Mother, what's the matter?
Hamlet, you've insulted your father.
Mother, you've insulted my father.
Come on, you answer me foolishly.
Go on, you question me evilly.
Why, what is it, Hamlet?
- What's the matter now? - Have you forgotten who I am?
No, for fucks sake, no.
You are the Queen, your husband's brother's wife.
And, I wish you weren't, you are my mother.
Well then, I'll get someone you will listen to.
Come.
Come now, sit down. Don't move.
Stay there until I hold up a mirror for you
So you can see what's deep inside you.
What are you going to do? murder me?
What's this! A rat? I'll bet it's a dead rat!
Dead!
- Oh my god, what have you done? - I don't know. Is it the king?
Thats fucked up.
Its fucked up. Almost as fucked up, good mother...
as killing a king and marrying his brother.
- Killing a king? - Yes, that's what I said.
You sad, silly, interfering idiot, goodbye.
I thought you were better than this.
You got what you deserve.
And discovered that meddling can be dangerous.
Stop wringing your hands.
sit down, and let me wring your heart instead.
I will, if it's still soft enough.
What did I do, that you dare talk to me so rudely?
An act that corrupts modesty...
turns virtue into hypocrisy...
makes marriage vows as bullshit as a gambler's oath.
Not me, what have I done?
Look at this picture, at that one there.
The painted portraits of two brothers.
See, the saintly goodness in this face?
He had so many good qualities
as if the gods created him...
to be the perfect man.
That was your husband.
Now watch, what happens Here is your current husband...
like a rotten ear of corn infecting the one next to it.
Do you have eyes?
How could you abandon the peak of the mountain...
for the depths of the swamp?
Do you have eyes? You can't say it was for love
because at your age romantic passions are overpowered...
with humility and reason.
But what reason would result in leaving my father for this dipshit?
You have eyes without feeling, feeling without sight.
Shame on you, why aren't you reacting?
Stop talking.
You're forcing me to look into my soul...
where the stains of sin are so black, that they cannot be washed away.
But how can you rest in the nasty sweat...
of your dirty sheets...
wet with corruption...
Fucking in this gross pig pen.
Stop it.
You are making me feel bad. Stop it.
A murderer and a villain.
A thief of the throne and the kingdom.
A makeshift king.
Protect me with your wings, angels.
What can I do for you?
Ah, fuck, he's nuts.
Have you come to scold your unpunctual son?
Tell me.
Don't forget.
I've come to whet your appetite for revenge.
But, look.
Your mother is in shock.
Protect her from her struggling soul.
Talk to her, Hamlet.
How are you?
And how are YOU doing, staring into space...
and talking to nobody?
- What are you staring at? - At him. Look how pale he is and how he glares at me.
Who are you talking to?
- You don't see anything? - Nothing at all. Other than what's there.
- And you don't hear anything? - No, just us talking.
See, look there! Look how it's sneaking away.
- My father, dressed like when he was alive. - This is all in your head!
I'm not talking crazy.
Mother, for fucks sake...
don't delude yourself into believing...
that the problem is my craziness and not your crime.
Confess your sins
repent what you've done, avoid damnation.
Don't spread manure over the weeds
it will make them super gross.
Oh Hamlet...
You've broken my heart in two!
Then throw away the shitty half...
and live a purer life with the other half.
And when you want to repent...
I'll ask for your forgiveness.
For what happened to that dude, I'm sorry.
But god decided to punish me by making me commit this murder.
I will deal with the body, and suffer the consequences.
So, again, good night.
I had to be cruel to perform a greater act of kindness.
This is bad, but it's going to get worse.
What should I do?
Don't let the fat king seduce you into bed...
so he can pinch your cheek, or call you his pet.
Or with halitosis kisses...
and massaging your neck with his damned fingers...
coerce you to admit...
that I'm actually not crazy...
but a diabolical motherfucker.
Don't worry...
Since words are made of breath, and breath is necessary for life...
I feel too dead inside to breathe a word of this.
This advisor is now very quiet and secretive
and super serious
who was in life a foolish moralizing liar.
Come, sir, so I can drag you toward your end.
Where is Hamlet?
I saw some fucked up shit tonight!
What was it, Gertrude? What's up with Hamlet?
He's fucking crazy
as the waves and wind, when they struggle in a storm.
In his insane rage...
he killed a good man that was hiding.
That IS fucked up!
That could have been me, if I was there.
Friends, go get help.
Hamlet, in a fit of rage, has killed Polonius.
I have sent men to find Hamlet and retrieve body.
But we can't just throw him in jail.
The people love him.
What's going on! What happened?
Where the dead body is hidden, he won't tell us.
But where is he?
Seriously, Hamlet...
where's Polonius?
At dinner.
At dinner...
where?
Not where he's eating, but where he's being eaten.
A bunch of worms are chowing down on him right now.
Ah, fuck!
Now you can fish with a worm that ate a king
and then eat the fish caught by that worm.
What do you mean by that?
Just pointing out how the king can be digested by a bum.
Where is Polonius?
In heaven. Send a messenger to confirm it.
If your messenger can't find him, look for him in hell, yourself.
But if you don't find him by the end of the month...
You'll smell him as you go upstairs into the main hall.
- Go look for him there. - He's not going anywhere.
Hamlet, for your own protection, you have to leave.
So pack your bags for England.
- To England? - yes, Hamlet.
It is good, if you knew why I'm sending you.
I know an angel that sees what you're thinking.
But, okay. off to England! Goodbye, dear mother.
- I'm your loving father, Hamlet. - No, you're my mother.
When the two of you married, you became one, so if you're my father
you're also my mother.
Let's go, to England.
I'll have him out of here tonight. So, get ready.
I'm sending you England on diplomatic business, and Hamlet is going with you.
Prepare yourselves for this trip, seriously
And, King of England, if you care about me at all
Then you won't ignore my plan
which is outlined in the letters these good dudes are carrying
To Kill Hamlet immediately. Do it, King of England.
- I must go to England. Don't you know that? - Whatever you gotta do.
The documents are ready.
And my two schoolmates, whom I trust as much as a poisonous snake...
are the messengers.
They will lead me on my march to mischief.
Let it happen...
I will dig under their mines
and blow them to the moon.
How can you tell your one true love from another?
By his pilgrim's hat and staff and the sandals on his feet.
Young men will do it, if they have an opportunity. By god, they're the ones to blame.
She said, "Before you fucked me you promised me to marry me"
"And I would have married you, if you hadn't been so DTF"
To my sick soul, since sin is always a sickness...
every detail looks like a sign of disasters to come.
Guilt makes you so overcome with suspicions...
that you give yourself away by trying hard to not to.
Where is the beautiful queen of Denmark?
Where is the...
What are you doing, Ophelia?
He is dead and gone, lady
He is dead and gone
His head is on green grass...
And at his feet, a tombstone
How long has she been like this?
How are you, pretty lady?
I'm good, may god reward you.
They say the baker's daughter was turned into an owl.
Lord, we know what we are now, but not what we may become.
I hope everything will be alright.
We must be patient.
But I can't help crying...
when I think of him being laid in the cold ground.
My brother will hear about this.
Thank you for your good advice.
Let's go, driver.
Poor Ophelia...
She's out of her mind.
Follow her.
Watch her closely, please.
She said, "Before you fucked me, you promised to marry me"
He says
"I would have married you,
if you hadn't been so DTF"
when it rains...
it pours.
"as it's outlined in the letters these good dudes are carrying"
"kill Hamlet immediately"
"Do it, King of England."
Where is this king?
I want to see him!
Where is the King?
- Chill out, Laertes. - Hold him back!
Oh you disgraceful king, give me my father!
Calm the fuck down Laertes!
Don't worry about me.
Where is my father?
- He's dead. - No matter what...
I'll get revenge for the murder of my father.
if you want to know the truth about your father's death
are you so set on revenge...
that you will hurt his friends AND enemies?
Only his enemies.
Okay, now you're talking...
like a good son and a true gentleman.
I am not responsible for your father's death
and I feel super fucked up about it
I can prove it. And you will see the truth as plain as day.
Here's some rosemary, that's for remembering.
Please, remember love.
And here are pansies, they're for thoughts.
Here's fennel for you, and columbines.
Here's rue for you, and some for me.
You should wear your rue as a token of repentance.
Here's a daisy.
I'd give you some violets, but they all dried up when my father died.
They say he had a good death.
Oh fuck, is it possible a young woman's mind...
could die as easily as an old man?
There is a willow that leans over the brook
dangling it's white leaves over the glassy water.
Ophelia made crowns out of those leaves
braiding in crow-flowers, nettles, daisies, and purple orchids.
There, on the weak branch...
she intended to hang her crowns
but the branch broke
and she and her flowers...
fell into the swift brook.
Her clothes spread out wide...
and mermaid-like, they held her up...
for a while as she sang bits of old hymns
She acted like she did't realize the danger she was in...
or as if she was a creature that naturally lived in water.
But it was only a matter of time...
her clothes, heavy with water...
pulled the poor girl out of her song...
to a muddy death.
Fuck! She drowned?
I thought it was very sweet
To set the date for my duty
I thought it was not right
But old age has snuck up on me
And caught me in his claws
Whose grave is this, plebe?
It's mine, sir.
I think it really must be yours, since you're the one lying in it.
- What man are you digging it for? - Not for a man, sir.
- What woman, then? - Not for a woman either.
Who will be buried in it?
She was a woman But, bless her soul, now she's dead.
How literal this wise ass is.
How long have you been a gravedigger?
Since the day young Hamlet was born.
That dude that went crazy and was sent off to England.
Yes, right, and why was he sent to England?
Why? Because he was insane. He'll recover his sanity there.
Or, if he doesn't, it won't matter in England.
No one there will notice.
Everyone there are as crazy as he is.
How long will a man lie in his grave before he starts to rot?
Well, if he's not rotten before he dies, like eight or nine years.
Check out this skull...
It's been buried for 23 years.
Whose was it?
A real crazy sonofabitch.
He poured a carafe of Gewürztraminer on my head this one time.
- Whose skull do you think it is? - I don't know.
This skull, sir, belonged to Yorick...
the King's jester.
- This one? - that one.
Let me see.
Oh, poor Yorick.
I knew him, Horatio.
He was a hilarious motherfucker, such a witty guy.
He gave me piggy-back rides a thousand times.
And now, how awful my imagination is.
It makes me sick to think about it.
Here hung his lips which I have kissed countless times.
Where are your jokes now?
Your prancing about, your songs, your hilarious one-liners...
that made the whole table roar with laughter?
No jokes now, to mock your own grinning skull?
Such a Debbie downer.
Now go to my lady's bedroom
and tell her...
that no matter how much makeup she slathers on...
She'll still end up looking like you.
Make her laugh at that.
The King and his court.
Who are they following?
Lay her in the ground.
And from her beautiful and pure body, may violets bloom.
Sweets flowers for a sweet girl.
Goodbye.
I once hoped you'd be my Hamlet's wife.
I thought I'd be scattering flowers on your wedding bed
not strewing them on your grave.
Do not bury her, until I've held her in my arms once more.
Oh you springtime rose...
dear maiden...
kind sister.
The devil take your soul!
I'm asking you, remove your hands from my throat
because I am capable of some fucked up shit
which you should be afraid of. Take your hands off me!
Separate them!
Chill the fuck out.
I loved Ophelia.
The love of forty thousand brothers
all added together, could not...
equal my love.
What are you going to do for her?
For fuck's sake, show me what you'll do!
Listen to me, sir, I always loved you.
But it doesn't matter.
No matter what a hero like Hercules does...
You will all talk shit, but I will get the last word.
Horatio, please go with him.
Will you follow my orders?
I will, my lord, As long as you won't force me to peace.
Only to your own peace of mind.
But explain to me...
why you didn't take legal action against Hamlet for his criminal acts?
For two very good reasons
The Queen, his mother, loves him, and is devoted to him.
And for myself
for better or worse, whichever it is
she is so connected to my life and soul...
I can't live apart from her any more than a planet...
can leave it's orbit.
The other reason, is how much the commoners love him.
Laertes, did you love your father?
Or is your grief an illusion, just putting on a sad face?
Seriously?
It's not that I think you didn't love your father. But, Laertes...
what would you do to prove you are your father's son
other than just saying it?
I'll cut Hamlet's throat in church.
Revenge should have no limits.
We should do...
what we want in the moment.
I'll trick him...
into agreeing to a competition, that will surely kill him.
For his death...
no one will be blamed.
Even his mother won't say shit
and will call it an accident.
Welcome back to Denmark.
Thanks, man.
If you have a minute...
I have a message from the king.
I'll listen, you have my undivided attention.
Now put your hat where it belongs, on your head.
I appreciate the advice, but it's very hot.
No dude, its very cold. There's a northern wind.
My lord, the king asked me tell you...
that he placed a large bet on you.
Laertes, seriously, is a stand up dude.
I know you know what a badass he is.
It takes a badass to know a badass.
The king has bet six Barbary horses...
that in 12 rounds...
Laertes won't defeat you by more than three hits.
This shit could go down tomorrow...
if you accept the challenge now.
I'll win for the king, if I can.
Otherwise, I'll suffer some embarrassment and a few sword hits.
Can I quote you on that?
If he's ready now, so am I
now or whenever, as long as I'm as able as I am now.
You're going to lose this bet
I don't think so. I've been practicing a lot. A 3 hit handicap is enough to win.
But even so, I have a bad feeling about this.
It doesn't matter.
Listen to your gut.
I'm not doing that. Fuck premonitions.
I've got it!
When the the two of you are exhausted and thirsty...
I'll have a cup ready with poison, if he drinks from it...
Hamlet will die.
And for good measure, I'll cover my sword...
In an oil I bought.
It's so poisonous, that even if I even graze him, he'll die.
It's fucked up, but I'm excited to look him in the face and say,
"You did this"
God decides even the death of a sparrow.
I'm going to die sooner or later
If it's not later, it will be sooner
If it's not sooner, it will be later.
Being prepared for death is all that matters.
Come, Hamlet, Shake hands with Laertes.
Forgive me, sir I've been a dick to you
Forgive me, as a gentleman.
This audience as my witness...
I didn't mean to hurt anyone
Like when you shoot an arrow over your house and it accidentally hits your brother.
Yeah, we're good.
but to save face...
I can't accept an apology.
But I accept your love, as being sincere...
and I will not disrespect it.
That's good enough for me
I will participate in this friendly match without reservations.
Give me a sword!
Come on, one for me too.
- You know what the bet is? - Fuck yeah, I do.
You've bet on the loser.
I'm not concerned. I've seen both of you fence.
Set the goblets of wine on that table.
If Hamlet lands the first or second hit...
I'll drink to Hamlet's health.
Play the drum to signal the trumpeter, the trumpet will signal the cannons...
and the cannons signal the heavens, and the heavens echo to earth:
"The King drinks to Hamlet's health!"
- A hit! - No it wasn't!
- It was obviously a hit. - Let's go again!
Stop.
Give me the goblet.
Hamlet...
this pearl is for you.
Here's to your health!
I'll just finish this round first. Set it down for a sec.
- Another hit! Right? - Yeah, you got me.
- Our son will win. - He's out of breath.
I drink to your good luck, Hamlet.
Gertrude, don't drink that.
I'll drink if I want to, please excuse me.
I shouldn't drink now, I'll drink it later.
Come here, let me wipe your face.
This sword is too heavy.
Get ready for the third round. You're just fucking around.
You think so? Bring it on!
Break it up!
They're neck and neck. Break it up!
No. bring it!
Help the queen! Hey!
They are both bleeding.
- You okay, Hamlet? - Is the queen okay?
She fainted at the sight of their blood!
The drink was poisoned.
Oh, motherfuckers!
Hey, lock the doors!
Traitors! Find them.
It's me, Hamlet.
Hamlet, you are dead.
There is no antidote to cure you.
the object of betrayal is in your hand...
sharp and dipped in poison.
My evil plan backfired on me.
I am a mouse caught in my own trap.
Let's forgive each other.
My death and my father's are not your fault.
And your death is not my fault.
I can't talk anymore!
The King... It's the king's fault. The sword was poisoned.
Then, poison, kill this motherfucker!
Protect me, my friends!
Here, you incestuous, murderous, fucking Dane...
drink the poison.
Is your pearl in there? Follow my mother!
I'm going to die, Horatio.
Unfortunate queen...
Goodbye.
All of you pale and trembling, speechless spectators
If I had time...
but death does not give extra time...
I could've told you a thing or two ...
So fuck it.
Horatio, I am going to die.
You're alive. You need to set the story straight.
Everyone will think I was a piece of shit...
No one will know what really happened.
If you ever loved me...
don't kill yourself just yet...
Stay in this fucked up world long enough...
to tell my story.
I'm dying, Horatio.
This strong poison is overpowering me.
The end is oblivion.
Good night, sweet prince...
May flights of angels sing you to sleep.