Subtitles by DJ Hupp BardSubs.com
[This movie is very close to the original play, but takes place in the 1800's]
The village of Monte Athena in Italy at the turn of the 19th century.
Clothing is modest. Parents are strict. Marriage is hardly ever for love.
The good news: This bullshit is about to end,
allowing for the popularity of a futuristic contraption, the bicycle.
[There are no bicycles in the original play]
My lovely Hippolyta, our wedding day is almost here.
It's in four days. On the day of the new moon.
That moon is taking forever to fade away.
its keeping me from my desire. Like an old widow,
delaying her step-son's inheritance.
Four days will quickly become night,
four nights will pass quickly, when we are dreaming.
Finally, the new moon, curved like a silver bow in the sky,
Will shine on our wedding celebration.
Long live Theseus, our most respected Duke!
Thanks, Egeus. What's have you been up to?
I'm fucking pissed, It's my daughter Hermia.
Step forward, Demetrius.
My lord, this man has my permission to marry her.
Step forward, Lysander.
This man has seduced my child.
You, you, Lysander, you gave her poems
and exchanged trinkets with my daughter!
You conned your way into my daughter's heart,
turned my obedient daughter, which she should be, into a stubborn bitch.
My Duke, if she will not stand before you now, and
consent to marry Demetrius, then I'm invoking my privilege of Athens:
She's my daughter, I will decide her fate.
And that will be either... to marry this gentleman,
or be put to death.
According to the law, I can give her that ultimatum.
Your response, Hermia?
Give in, Hermia. And Lysander, stop acting like you have more right to her than anyone else.
Her father loves you, Demetrius - let me have Hermia and you can marry him.
You asshole, Lysander!
It's true, I do love him.
And thats why I'm giving him my daughter.
she is mine!
And I'm giving her to Demetrius.
My lord, I'm just as noble and rich as he is.
I love her more than he does.
And more important than the things I'm bragging about, Hermia loves ME.
Why shouldn't I be able to marry her?
Demetrius, I'll say it to his face, courted Nedar's daughter, Helena.
And she fell in love with him.
That sweet lady loves devoutly.
She adores this horrible and unfaithful man.
I have to admit, I heard something about that.
Your grace, please forgive me.
I don't know what makes me think I can say this, or if it will damage my reputation for modesty,
to speak my mind to you.
But please, tell me the worst thing that could happen if I refuse to marry him.
Either you'll be executed, or never see another man again.
So, beautiful Hermia, think carefully about what you want.
Consider how young you are. Question your feelings.
Ask yourself, if you don't give in to your father, could you stand the life of nun.
wearing a habit, caged up in a cloister, living a life without a husband or children,
chanting hymns to the moon.
I would rather
whither away, my lord,
than give up my virginity
to someone I don't love.
Take some time to think about it.
When the next new moon comes, either prepare to be executed,
for disobeying your father, or to marry Demetrius, as he wishes.
Or vow to spend the rest of your life as a celibate nun.
As for you, Hermia, be prepared to do what your father wants.
Come with me, Hippolyta.
Demetrius, come with me. Egeus, you too.
Lets talk in private.
What's going on, my love?
Why are you so pale? Why have your rosy cheeks faded so quickly?
Probably because my cheeks' roses needed rain, which they could get from all the tears in my eyes.
For fucks sake!
In the books I've read,
they say true love always faces obstacles.
Even if the lovers are a good match, their love might be ruined by war, death, or sickness.
So their affair only lasts an instant, as fleeting as a shadow, or a short dream.
the time it takes a lightning bolt to flash across the sky.
revealing both heaven and earth,
and before you can say "look", its gone.
Thats how quickly, intense things like love, can be destroyed.
So, listen, Hermia.
I have an aunt, she is a wealthy widow.
she thinks of me as her only son.
Some people are so much happier than others. Everyone in Athens thinks I'm hotter than Hermia.
But so what? Demetrius doesn't think so.
He refuses to admit what everyone else knows.
Love makes you blind, you can only see with your imagination,
That's why paintings of Cupid show him as blind.
Hello, beautiful Helena! Where are you going?
Did you just call me "beautiful"?
Take it back! you're the beautiful one, according to Demetrius.
Oh you're so lucky!
I wish beauty was contagious, like a sickness.
I would catch your good looks before I left.
Teach me how you look the way you do! And how did you seduce Demetrius!
It's not my fault he acts like an idiot.
It's your beauty's fault. I wish I had a fault like that!
Don't worry. He won't see my face ever again.
Lysander and I are running away.
Helen, we'll tell you about our secret plan.
Tomorrow night, when the moon shines on the water,
The time of night that hides runaway lovers,
We plan to sneak out of Athens.
And never look back. We will look for new friends and keep the company of strangers.
Goodbye, old friend.
Pray for us.
And good luck seducing Demetrius.
- Keep your promise, Lysander. - I will, Hermia.
Helena, see ya.
I hope Demetrius will love you back!
Oh, god dammit!
Oh, fuck!
- Is everyone here? - Yes, Peter Quince.
You should call their names, in the order they appear on the list.
Here, here. Here.
This is a list of every man talented enough, in the entire town,
to be cast in the play we will perform for the Duke and Duchess at their wedding.
First, Peter Quince, tell us the plot of the play,
then read the names of the actors, and then shut up.
Okay, fine. Our play is called "A Very Tragic Comedy and Horrible Death"
"of Pyramus and Thisbe".
A very good piece of work, Seriously - and fucking hilarious.
Now, Peter Quince, Read off the names of the actors on the list.
Men, gather around.
Ok, answer when I call you.
- Nick Bottom, the Weaver? - Here.
Tell me my role, then continue.
You, Nick Bottom, have been cast as Pyramus.
What's Pyramus? A good guy, or an asshole?
A good guy, who kills himself very nobly for love.
I'll have to cry to make my performance believable.
If I can cry, it will make the audience cry too.
I'll moan very believably.
Read the rest of the cast.
But I'd really prefer to play an asshole. I'd make a great Hercules.
- Or any part that requires ranting and raving. - Francis Flute...
[Recites his "asshole" monologue]
I just came up with that!
Ah... Pyramus.
- Francis Flute, the bellows-repairman? - Here, Peter Quince.
Francis Flute, you'll play the role of Thisbe.
- What is Thisbe? A knight on a quest? - She is the lady Pyramus is in love with.
No, come on, don't make me play a woman. I'm growing a beard.
If I can wear a mask... Let me play Thisbe too.
I'll speak in falsetto: "Thisne, Thisne."
"Ah, Pyramus, my lover! I'm your dear Thisbe, your dear lady!"
No, no! You're only playing Pyramus.
Snout and Flute, you are playing Thisbe.
- Robin Starveling, the tailor? - Here, Peter Quince.
Snug the cabinetmaker, you are playing the lion.
I hope that is a solid cast.
Do you have the lion's part written down?
If you do, please give it to me. I suck at memorizing lines.
No, just improvise, It's really just roaring.
Let me play the lion too.
I'll roar so well, it will inspire anyone who hears.
The Duke will love it, he will be like, "let him roar again, let him roar again!"
No, If you roar too ferociously, you'll scare Duchess and the other ladies
and make them scream - You'll get us all executed.
You have to admit, friends, if you scare the shit out of the ladies
they would have no choice but to have us killed.
But I will soften my voice so that I will roar as quietly as a baby dove.
I will roar like a peaceful nightingale.
You can only play Pyramus.
Pyramus is an attractive dude.
The most handsome you could find on a Summer's day. A lovely gentleman.
So you're the only one who could play Pyramus.
Well...
then I'll do it.
Men, you have your scripts. I'm asking you all to learn them by tomorrow night.
Meet me in the Duke's forest, a mile outside of town - We will rehearse there.
If we meet in the city, we will attract a crowd and the play will be spoiled for them.
Please don't flake on me.
We will be there.
There we can rehearse like no one is watching.
Work hard. Know your lines!
See ya.
Before Demetrius ever saw Hermia, He swore he would only be mine.
And when he got the hots for her,
His promises melted away.
I'll go tell him about her plans to run away.
Then he will go into the woods, after her.
Hello, spirit.
Where are you going?
Over hills and valleys, through bushes, and thorns,
over parks and private property, through water and fire,
I wander everywhere.
Faster than the moon's orbit.
I work for the fairy queen, organizing fairy dances in the grass.
Unless I'm mistaken,
you're that little shit, fairy, Robin Goodfellow.
You are the one, right? that scares the women of the village?
Skimming cream from the milk fucking up the flour mills,
and annoying the housewives by preventing their milk from turning to butter. - Its you, right?
Yes, thats me. The playful wanderer of the night.
I tell jokes to Oberon and make him smile,
I'll trick a fat, well fed horse
into thinking I'm a young female horse,
And sometimes...
Goodbye, dumb spirit!
I've got to go.
The queen and her elves will be here soon.
The king is having a party here tonight -
Make sure the queen does not come near him.
Because King Oberon is pissed.
How NOT nice to see you, Titania.
What, are you jealous, Oberon?
Fairies, let's get out of here: I will not sleep or speak with him again.
Wait a second, you little slut. I am your husband, aren't I?
If you are my husband, then I must be your wife.
Why did you come here from India,
just to see that butch Amazon, Hippolyta?
your boot-wearing mistress and warrior lover,
Now that she is marrying Theseus, You've come to celebrate with them.
How can you stand there, shamelessly, Titania, talking about me and Hippolyta,
You know that I know you love Theseus?
These are jealous lies.
Since the beginning of midsummer, We couldn't meet we on hill, in a valley, forest, or meadow,
by pebbly fountain or rushing stream,
Without you disturbing us. Fairies need a place to dance.
So the winds, because we can't dance for them,
for revenge, have created a fog,
which falls down,
on the rivers, until they flood.
And this screwy world is a result of our feud.
This is on us.
Fix it, then.
You have the power to.
Why would Titania cross Oberon?
I just want the human boy as part of my crew.
You can forget about it. I wouldn't give up the boy for all of Fairyland.
His mother was one of my worshipers,
When we were in India, we would spend the evenings gossiping together.
Sitting together by the ocean, watching the merchant ships sail.
We thought it was hilarious when the sails would fill with wind,
and look like pregnant bellies.
But she was mortal, and died giving birth to that boy.
I am raising him for her.
because of her, I will not give him up.
-How long do you plan to stay in the forest? -Maybe until after Theseus' wedding day.
If you can be cool, join our dance circle,
and midnight celebration, then you can come with us.
Give me that boy, and I will come with you.
Not for the entire Fairy kingdom!
Fairies, out!
Shit is going to get real, if we stay any longer.
Well, go on, then.
You won't leave this grove until I get you back for that insult.
My dear puck, come here.
Do you remember that one time I was sitting on a cliff
and heard a mermaid, riding a dolphin,
sing such a sweet and harmonious song that it calmed the stormy sea?
That same night I saw - which you could not -
flying from the moon to the earth, Cupid with arrows ready.
He took aim and shot an arrow.
But, I saw where Cupid's arrow fell.
It fell on a little western flower - Once milk-white, turned purple from the arrow wound.
Bring me that flower.
If its juice is put on sleeping eyes
That person will fall in love with the next living creature they see.
Bring me this plant, and get back here, before the sea monster swims three miles.
I could go around the world in forty minutes.
When I get that flower juice, I'll wait until Titania is asleep,
and put drops of it in her eyes.
The first thing she sees when she wakes up, she will fall madly in love with.
And before I give her the antidote, I'll make her give me the little boy.
I don't love you, give it up!
Where is Lysander and beautiful Hermia?
You told me they escaped into this forest,
and here I am, going crazy in the woods, because I cannot find Hermia!
Leave! Get the fuck away from me!
Did I ask you to follow me? Do I speak to you kindly?
OR have I told you in plain terms, that I do not and can not love you?
Yes, but that makes me love you even more.
I am your little dog, Demetrius, the more you beat me, the more I'll love you.
Treat me like a dog - Kick me, hit me, neglect me, try to lose me,
Just let me follow you, even though I'm a broken person.
Could I ask for a worse place in your heart than to be treated like you treat a dog?!
Don't push it. Just looking at you makes me sick.
I get sick when I CAN'T look at you!
You are giving off Fatal Attraction vibes!
You want to leave the city to stalk someone who doesn't love you.
Hanging around alone, at night, in the middle of nowhere...
isn't the best way to protect your virginity.
I rely on your virtue to protect me.
It can't be night. When I see your shining face
it doesn't feel like night.
I don't feel like I'm alone in this world, because you are my world.
I'll run away from you and hide in the bushes, and wait there until the wild animals get you.
The wildest animal is not as mean as you!
Run wherever you want. The story shall be changed:
Apollo runs away, Daphne goes after him! The dove pursues the Griffin!
I'm not listening to any more of this shit! Fuck off!
Or, if you follow me into the woods, you'll be sorry.
In the church, the town, and in the field you hurt my feelings!
Fuck you, Demetrius!
Your behavior gives men a bad name!
We cannot fight for love, like men can.
We should be courted, we can't do the courting.
I'll follow you, and make a heaven out of hell,
It would be heavenly to be killed by someone I love so much.
Goodbye, nymph.
Before Demitrius leaves this forest, he'll be the one in love with YOU.
Do you have the flower?
I know a place where the wild thyme blooms,
where Oxlips and Violets grow,
Its covered over with luscious Honeysuckle,
with sweet muskroses and sweetbriar.
Titania sleeps there sometimes at night,
lulled to sleep among the flowers by dances and other delights.
Snakes shed their skin there,
the skin is wide enough to wrap a fairy in.
I'll use the flower juice to put in her eyes,
and fill her with horrible delusions and desires.
You take some too, and look around the forest.
A sweet Athenian lady is in love with a young man who has no interest.
Put the juice in his eyes, and make sure the next thing he sees will be her.
You'll know its him by his Athenian clothes.
And then...
Meet me before the rooster's first crow at dawn.
Don't worry, sir, I got this.
Sing me to sleep.
Then go about your business and let me rest.
Ok, lets go. We put her to sleep. One of us will stay to stand guard.
Whatever you see first when you wake up, will be your true love.
Love him and yearn for him.
Even if it's a lynx, cat, bear, leopard, or wild boar,
whatever you see when you wake up will be most dear to you.
Wake up when some vile thing is close by.
My love...
You are going to faint from walking so long.
I have to admit, I'm lost.
We'll rest, if its ok with you, and wait for daylight when it will be easier.
Let's do that, Lysander.
find something to sleep on, I'm going to lie on this slope.
We can both sleep together on the grass.
We'll have one heart, one bed, two bodies, and one vow.
No, Lysander. For my sake, lie further away, do not lie so close.
come on, baby, I wasn't thinking dirty!
I just meant that our hearts are joined, so it's kind of like, just one heart.
Our two bodies linked together by a vow, so there are two bodies and one vow.
Then let me sleep next to you,
If lie next you you, I won't lie TO you.
Lysander has a way with words.
No. please, darling.
It would only be proper, lie further away!
I am expected to be a prude!
This separation is only proper for a well-behaved unmarried couple.
So stay away, for now.
And good night, my sweet friend.
May your love for me remain strong forever!
Amen to that. I hope my life ends before my loyalty to you does.
I'll sleep over here. Sleep tight!
You too.
I searched the entire forest, and didn't find an Athenian man
to use the flower juice on.
Wait... just a minute.
Who is this?
He's wearing Athenian clothes!
This is the dude my master mentioned. He rejected that woman!
And here is the girl, sleeping soundly on the damp and dirty ground.
Pretty girl.
She shouldn't lie next to this asshole.
I'm using all the power of this magic charm on your eyes
When you wake up, let love keep you awake.
Wake up when I am gone, because now.. I have to see Oberon!
Get out of here, goddamnit! Do not follow me!
Would you leave me alone in the dark? please don't!
Stay at your own risk I will go alone!
Oh, I am out of breath from this foolish chase!
The more I pray, the less I get out of it.
Hermia is lucky, in any situation, she has beautiful eyes.
How are her eyes so bright?
Not from tears - if that's the case, tears wash my eyes more often.
No.
No, no, no.
I am as ugly... as a bear.
Animals see me and run away in fear.
Lysander?!
Is he dead or sleeping?
Lysander, if you are alive, wake up!
Oh.
I'd run through fire, if you told me to!
Where is Demetrius? Oh, I'd kill that name with my sword if I could!
Don't say that, Lysander! Don't say that!
Why do you care that he loves Hermia? What's it to you?
Hermia still loves you, chill out.
Chill with Hermia?!
No! I regret the fucking boring ass time I wasted with her!
It's not Hermia, I love Helena.
Who would love a crow more than a dove?
Why does everyone make fun of me?
What did I do to deserve this treatment from you?!
It's not enough, it's not enough, young man,
that I'll never be pretty enough, to get a kind look from Demetrius,
you have to point out my inadequacy?
So goodbye!
I have to tell you, I thought you were a nice guy!
She doesn't see Hermia.
Hermia, keep sleeping there, and don't ever come near me again!
I'll use my particular set of skills...
To serve Helen, and bring her honor!
Holy shit!
What a terrible dream I had!
Lysander, look how I'm shaking... with fear.
This is the perfect place to rehearse.
This clearing will be the stage, and this bush, our dressing room.
Let's run through it, exactly the way we will perform it for the Duke.
- Peter Quince? - What is it, bully Bottom?
There are things in this comedy of Pyramus and...
- Thisbe. - ..Thisbe that will never work.
First of all, Pyramus uses a sword to kill himself. Ladies in the audience will freak out.
That would be a disaster.
I think we have to leave the killing out, Come to think of it.
Not at all. I have an idea to fix it.
Write me a prologue,
to let the audience know, no one will be hurt with the swords,
and that Pyramus is not really dead.
And, for good measure, tell them that I am just playing Pyramus,
I am actually Bottom the Weaver. That will keep them from being afraid.
Ok, I'll write a prologue in the same format as the rest of the play.
No, make it a little different.
There are two things to figure out: How are we going to bring moonlight into a room,
You know, Pyramus and Thisbe meet by moonlight.
Will the moon be shining the night we perform our play?
Someone get a calendar!
Look in the almanac, find when the moon shines.
The moon does shine that night.
Ok so, we can leave a window open at the performance venue,
and the moon can shine through the window.
The other thing: We must have a wall on stage.
Because Pyramus and Thisbe, according to the story, talk through a hole in the wall.
We can't bring in a wall!
What do you think, Bottom?
Some... person should play the part of the wall.
Put some plaster, or clay, or limestone on him,
to be like a wall.
And he can hold his fingers like this...
And through that little crack, Pyramus and...
- Thisbe. - ..Thisbe can whisper to each other.
- We can't bring an actual wall. - If this works, problem solved.
Pyramus, you start, and when you have said your lines, go hide in that bush.
Thisbe, come forward.
Left foot forward, like a Greek statue.
Pyramus, speak.
Who are these country bumpkins hanging around here,
so close to where the fairy queen sleeps?
- Line? - "Thisbe".
Thisbe, flowers with sweet odious smells...
Odorous. Odorous.
Odorous smells, are like your breath, my dearest Thisbe, dear.
What's that! A voice!
Wait here. I'll be right back.
That's the strangest Pyramus I've ever seen.
Psst. Is it my line?
Yes, You have to react. Pyramus went to check on a noise and is coming right back.
- Most radiant... - Most radiant...
Most radiant...
Most radiant Pyramus, most...
white as a lily...
If I were handsome, Thisbe, I would still want only you...
I'll meet you, Pyramus, at Ninny's tomb.
That's "Ninus' tomb", dude!
And don't say that yet, it's a response to Pyramus.
You are speaking all your lines at once, cues and all.
Enter Pyramus!
You missed your cue. It's "never tire".
If I were handsome, Thisbe... If I were handsome, Thisbe...
If I were handsome, Thisbe, I would still want only you...
Help! A monster! Run everyone, run!
We are being haunted!
Bottom, you have changed. What is on your head!
What do think it is? YOU are being an ass, you think?
God bless you, Bottom, bless you! You have been reborn!
Why are they running away!
I see what they are up to!
They are trying to make a fool out of me, by scaring me.
But I won't leave this spot, no matter what they do.
I'll sing a song, so they'll know I'm not afraid.
The blackbird, with black feathers
and orange-yellow bill
the thrush, with clear voice
the wren with its small chirp
Who is this angel that wakes me from my bed of flowers?
The Finch, sparrow, and lark, the grey cuckoo with a simple song.
that many men hear
but don't dare say no to it.
Please, sweet human, sing some more.
I love listening to your voice.
I'm also turned on by your body.
You are so wonderful, that upon first sight, I am compelled...
To swear my love to you.
I don't think there is any reason for that.
but really, reason and love have very little to do with each other these days.
No, I'm just kidding!
You're as wise as you are beautiful.
That's not true.
If I was smart enough to get out of this forest, that would satisfy me.
Don't bother wishing you could leave!
You will stay here, whether you want to or not.
I'll give you fairies to be your servants.
They will bring you jewels from the depths of the ocean,
and sing to you while you sleep on a bed of flowers.
And I'll turn you into a spirit, like us.
so you won't die as humans do!
Peaseblossom! Cobweb!
- I'm Ready. - Me too.
Moth, and Mustardseed!
- Me too. - Me too.
Where should we go?
Be kind and polite to this man.
Follow him around. Dance for him.
Feed him apricocts and dewberries,
purple grapes, green figs and mulberries.
Bow and curtsey to him, fairies.
Excuse me, what is your name?
Cobweb.
I'd like to get to know you, Cobweb.
If I cut my finger, I'll use you as a bandage. What is your name?
Mustardseed.
Ah, I know your deal. Many of your family have made my eyes water.
I look forward to getting to know you, Mustardseed.
Hail, Human.
I wonder if Titania is awake yet,
and what was the first thing she saw, which she must must be in love with.
What's up, crazy spirit? What havoc have you wrecked on this forest?
My mistress, Tatiana, is in love with a monster.
This is going even better than I planned.
Have you put the flower juice on the Athenian's eyes, like I asked?
Yes, I found him sleeping, its done.
Step aside.
I'm only scolding you now, but I think you've given me reason to treat you worse.
If you killed Lysander in his sleep, you're up to your ankles in blood,
jump into the bloodbath and kill me too!
This is the same Athenian.
This is the same woman. But not the same man.
The sun was not as faithful to the daytime as he was to me!
Would he have snuck away from me while I slept?
Where is he?
Demetrius, will you find him for me?
I'd rather feed his corpse to my dogs!
Get out, dog!
You've driven me to my wit's end.
Did you kill him in his sleep? How brave of you!
A snake could have done that as easily.
You are getting all worked up over a misunderstanding. I didn't kill Lysander!
- He's not even dead, as far as I know. - Then please, tell me he's alright.
If I can confirm he is alive, what do I get out of it?
The privilege of never seeing me again!
I can't go after her when she is in such a rage.
So, I'll stay here a while.
What have you done?! You fucked up,
and put the flower juice on the wrong person!
Go around the forest, move faster than the wind, find Helena of Athens.
Trick her into coming here.
I'll put the flower juice on HIS eyes when she comes.
I'm going! I'm going! Look at me go!
Faster than an arrow from the tartar's bow!
The moon looks sad,
and when the moon cries, all the little flowers cry too,
They are sad, because someone was prevented from having sex.
Take him to my bedroom.
Keep my lover silent.
Purple flower, hit by Cupid's arrow,
sink into the pupils of this man's eyes.
When he sees the girl he should love, let her shine as bright as the evening star.
When you wake up, if she is nearby, beg her to cure your lovesickness.
Boss, Helena is nearby.
That guy - which I thought was THE guy, is there, begging her to love him.
Should we watch this drama play out?
Holy shit, these humans are dumb!
Why do you think I'm making fun of you?
I wouldn't be crying if I was mocking you!
Look!
When I swear that I love you, I cry.
When someone makes a promise while crying, its serious!
How can you say I'm being mean,
when my tears prove my sincerity?
You get more and more tricky.
Both your promises can't be true!
You promised the same to Hermia! Will you give her up?
You promised the same to both of us!
I was being an idiot when I told her that!
And you're being an idiot now, breaking that promise.
Demetrius loves her. And he doesn't love you!
Helen...
Goddess!
Nymph!
Perfect. Divine.
What can I compare your eyes to? Crystal is not clear enough!
Your lips are as ripe as a pair of tempting cherries!
- Helen! - Ah for fucks sake!
I see you are all going to gang up on me for your own amusement!
Is it not enough to hate me? You have to humiliate me too?
Helen! Helen, it's not true!
Why did you leave me alone, like an asshole?
Why stay, when love tells him to go?
What love could make Lysander leave me?
I had to hurry to my love.
Why are you looking for me?
Didn't you figure out that I left you because I hate you?
You can't mean what you're saying - Its impossible!
So, she's in on this too!
Hurtful Hermia, you ungrateful girl!
Have you conspired with these two men, to fuck with me?
Have you forgotten our talks together,
We vowed to be like sisters, we spent hours together.
wishing we would never have to say goodbye - Have you forgotten?
Would you risk our friendship by joining in with these men to insult me?
You're being a bitch! it's not ladylike!
It would make any woman angry, but I am the only one hurt!
I don't know what you are talking about.
Oh, fine.
Go ahead, keep up your little game.
Signal each other when I turn my back.
If you had any decency, you wouldn't pretend to fight over me like this!
So, goodbye.
I's partially my fault, but there will be a resolution: leaving or dying.
Helena, I love you! I swear on my life!
I say that I love you more than he does!
- Lysander, are you fucking around?! - Of course he is, and so are you!
I'm Hermia, right? I am as beautiful now as a moment ago!
Why did you leave me? seriously.
I never want to see you again.
Read my lips... I hate you, and I love Helena.
Fuck me.
You... player!
You snake!
You man thief!
What? did you sneak in at night and steal my lover's heart?
Oh. thats very nice!
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
You are going to make me mad enough to answer you?
Fuck you, you phony, you puppet!
"Puppet"? Why do you say that?
Oh, I see where this is going.
I think she is referring to our difference in height!
She paraded around in front of him to show off how tall she is.
She won him over with her height!
He favors you over me because I'm so short,
How short am I, you beanpole.
Tell me! How short am I!
I'm not so short that I can't gouge out your eyes with my fingernails.
Please, even though you are making fun of me, don't let her hurt me!
Maybe you think that since she is shorter than me,
- that I can take her! - "Shorter"! See she's doing it again.
Please Hermia, don't act so bitter toward me.
Now, just let me go quietly
back to Athens. I will admit my mistakes, and stop following you.
Please let me go. You see how naive and foolish I've been.
Well, get out then! Who is stopping you?
My stupid heart, which I am leaving behind.
- Leaving it with Lysander?! - No, with Demetrius!
Don't be afraid, she can't hurt you, Helena.
That's right! Hermia won't hurt Helena, even if you help.
She was a hellcat in school. Even though she's little, she's fierce!
Little?! really?! That's the best you can do "short" and "little"?!
Why are you letting her insult me? I'll fuck her up!
Get lost, dwarf! You tiny weed, you scrap!
You bead, you acorn!
Hermia is not holding onto me anymore.
Follow me if you're brave enough, and we'll fight over Helena.
Follow? No, we'll walk side by side.
You bitch, all this fighting is because of you.
Stay where you are.
I don't trust you. I'm outta here.
You might be a better fighter than me, but my legs longer and faster!
Well shit, I'm speechless!
This is all your fault
You are the biggest fuck up! Or...
you are doing this shit on purpose.
Believe me, I'm a fuck up.
Didn't you tell me I would recognize the man by the Athenian clothing he wore?
As you can see, these lovers are looking for a place to fight.
Hurry up, Robin, make the night dark.
Cover the sky with a low hanging fog as dark as Hell,
and get these... bitch ass bickerers, so lost in the forest, they will never find each other.
Then squeeze this flower juice into Lysander's... Lysander's eye.
While you are busy with that, I'll go see queen Titania,
and ask her for the Indian boy.
Then I'll undo the spell. She will no longer be in love with that monster.
and everything will be hunky dory.
Up and down, up and down, I will lead them up and down.
People fear me in the country and in town. Goblin, lead them up and down!
Here comes one of them now.
Where are you, Demetrius, you asshole?
- Over here, shit head! Where are you? - I'm coming!
Lysander? Say that again!
You coward!
Did you run away?!
Come here, coward. Come here, you big baby.
Are you there?
Follow my voice.
This isn't a good place to fight.
This asshole is much quicker than I am. I ran after him, but he ran faster.
So here I am in the dark forest.
I'll rest here.
I hope daylight comes soon.
Come here! I'm over here!
No, you're just taunting me.
You'll pay for this, if I ever see you face to face in daylight!
Go on your way.
I'm exhausted, I need to lie down and sleep on this cold ground.
But when dawn comes... I will find you.
I've never been so exhausted.
or so upset.
I can't crawl any further. I just can't go on.
I'll sleep here until morning.
If they fight, I hope Lysander is safe!
Oh, what a long, exhausting night,
I wish it would end.
I wish the sun would rise already so I can get back to Athens by daylight,
and get away from these hateful jerks.
Hopefully I can get some sleep,
and forget my troubles for a while.
Come over here, sit down on this flowery bed, while I caress those lovable cheeks,
I'll put roses on your silky smooth head
and kiss your big beautiful ears, my gentle darling.
I should go to the barber. I think my face is getting too hairy.
I am such a little bitch - Tickling whiskers are unbearable.
Would you like to hear some music, my sweet love?
Or tell me, my sweet love, what would you like to eat?
Actually, I'd like some grass. I'd like to snack on some dry oats.
Or maybe I have a craving for a bundle of hay.
Nothing compares to a bundle of sweet hay.
But please, don't let anyone wake me up:
I really want to sleep now.
You sleep, and I'll be the big spoon.
Fairies, go away. scatter!
Ill spoon you like the woodbine tendril twists around the honeysuckle.
Like ivy curls around the branches of an Elm tree.
Oh, how I love you! I'm just mad about you!
On the ground, sleep soundly.
I'll put in...
Your eye
gentle lover, a cure.
When you wake up, you will be truly delighted to see the woman you once loved.
[And like the apparently well known country proverb]:
Jack shall have Jill, nought shall go ill,
the man shall have his mare again, and all shall be well.
Welcome, good Robin.
Do you see this sweet sight?
I'm starting to pity Titania for being so obsessed.
I will undo the spell that makes her delusional.
Be like you used to be.
See... like you used to see.
Now, my Titania, wake up, my sweet queen.
Oh... Oberon!
I had such a strange dream! I thought I was in love with a jackass!
Your love is sleeping right over there.
What the fuck happened to me?!
Shush now.
Listen Fairy king, I can hear the lark singing. It's morning.
In that case, my queen, let's travel silently to where it's still night.
Circling the Earth faster than the moon.
While we're walking, can you tell me
how I ended up sleeping with these humans on the ground.
My beautiful queen, we will go up to the mountain,
and listen to the barking hounds, echo in the cliffs like music.
I have pure bred Spartan dogs,
See their skin and sandy fur, and their heads, hanging...
With ears.
Wait a minute... who are these women?
My lord, that's my daughter asleep on the ground.
And this is Lysander. This is Demetrius. This is Helena - old Nedar's daughter.
How the hell did they end up together?
They probably woke up early to celebrate May Day.
good morning, friends.
Valentine's day is over. Are you lovebirds just now hooking up?
Please, all of you, stand up.
I know you two are enemies.
Has the world become so peaceful,
that people who hate each other sleep side by side without fear?
My lord, I might sound confused, I'm half asleep.
I'm pretty sure, and this is the truth, that I came here with Hermia.
We were planning to leave Athens, where we could be
- without the oppression of Athenian law... - Enough! You've heard enough evidence.
I insist, charges should be pressed! They were going to run away.
that's right, Demetrius, to get the better of us -
robbing you of your wife, and me of my right to decide who my son-in-law will be.
My lord, this is fuckin' weird - Something I can't explain caused -
my love for Hermia to melt away like snow.
And now, all my love and adoration,
the object of my affection,
is only Helena.
Pretty lovers, you're lucky you ran into me.
Egeus, I'm overriding your wishes.
In the temple, along with Hippolyta and I, these couples will be married.
Come with us to Athens. We three couples,
Will celebrate with a sumptuous feast!
Come, Hippolyta.
Tell me when its my cue, then I'll say my line.
My next cue is "most fair Pyramus".
Hey!
Peter Quince?
Flute?
Snout the tinker!
Starveling!
My god! They've all run away and left me sleeping here!
What a weird dream I had.
How do I even describe such a bizarre dream.
I would sound like an ass if I even tried to describe it.
I thought I was... I don't know what.
I thought I was...
And I thought I had...
I'd have to be an idiot to say what I thought I had.
No eye has ever heard, no ear has ever seen,
no hand has tasted, no tongue has felt,
no heart could describe my dream,
I will get Peter Quince to write a ballad about the dream.
I'll title it, "Bottom's..."
"Dream".
Because it's so deep, it has no Bottom.
And I will sing it during the play's intermission, for the Duke.
Maybe, to make it even more impactful, I'll sing it when the heroine dies.
Have you sent anyone to Bottom's house? Has he come home yet?
No one has heard from him. I'm sure he's been kidnapped.
If he doesn't show up, the play is ruined. It has to be canceled, right?
The Duke is leaving the temple.
Two or three more lords and ladies were also married.
If we'd been able to put on our play, we would have had it made!
Oh, that funny guy, Bottom! He lost his six pence per day pension.
I'll be damned if the the Duke wouldn't have given him six pence per day for playing Pyramus.
- He would have deserved it, too. - Pyramus is worth six pence per day, or its worth nothing.
Where are my guys?!
Where are my dudes?!
Oh, what a relief!
My friends, I have some amazing news, but don't ask me what.
- Tell us, Bottom. - My lips are sealed.
All I can say, is that the Duke has already had dinner.
Get your costumes together! Everyone, look over your lines again!
Make sure Thisbe has clean underwear.
Make sure the lion does not cut his nails, they need to look like claws!
Excuse me!
The events of last night are blurry,
like distant mountains that look like clouds.
I have easily won over Demetrius, like a jewel I found, that's mine now.
Theseus, these lovers are saying strange things.
Strange and a bunch of bullshit.
I never believed in old legends and fairy tales.
Lovers and nutjobs hallucinate things,
that sane people can't understand.
These people have such an imagination that when something brings them happiness,
they assume a higher power is responsible.
But the story these lovers are telling, and the fact that they all had the same experience,
Makes me think there is more going on, than wild fantasies.
But their story is still bizzare.
I wish you joy, my friends.
I hope your days ahead are full of joy.
We wish you more joy. In your walks, at your table, and in your bed!
Now, what kind of entertainment do have
to perform during the three long hours between dinner and bedtime?
- Where is our director of entertainment? - Here I am, Theseus.
What performances are prepared? A play, while we wait for bedtime?
Here is a list of all the acts prepared.
"'The battle of Hurcules and the centaurs', sung by an Athenian eunuch."
Fuck that.
"The riot of the drunk Bacchanals, who rip the singer Orpheus to shreds."
That's and old show. I saw it last time I returned from conquering Thebes.
"The nine muses,
mourning the death of learning and scholarship.
Now that is some sharp satire, it's not appropriate for a wedding.
"A tedious short drama about young Pyramus and his love Thisbe. A very tragic comedy."
A comedic tragedy? Tedious and short?
That's like hot ice and strange snow.
Who are the actors?
A bunch of blue collar idiots from Athens,
they have exhausted their minds, to perform this play
at your wedding.
- So lets see it. - No, no, my lord...
I've seen it. Its dog shit. Complete dog shit.
I want to see this play.
Straight to the point...
Our play will be performed for the duke!
It can't be that bad, if its made by ambitious simpletons.
Come on, bring them in.
Moonlight... will shine through the window.
Your grace, the prologue is ready to be delivered.
Let him come forward.
Grow some balls! Come on!
At this point I, Snout, play a wall:
But not just any wall, but a wall with a little hole in it,
It's this hole...
Through which the lovers...
Pyramus and Thisbe.
Pyramus and Thisbe!
Pyramus and Thisbe, whispered secretly.
And this the crack, right and left side,
through which the frightened lovers will... be whispering.
Can you imagine cement and stone talking better?
It is the smartest wall I've ever heard speak, my lord.
Pyramus is approaching the wall - be quiet.
Oh, grim looking night!
Oh night, so black!
O night, which is always there when its not day!
Oh night, Oh night
So sad, sad, sad.
I'm afraid Thisbe forgot her promise!
And you, oh wall, oh wonderwall,
you stand between her father's prosperity and mine,
You wall, Oh wall,
Oh sweet and lovely wall,
show me your hole to place my eye.
Thanks, courteous wall.
God bless you for this!
But what do I see? Not Thisbe.
Oh wicked wall, I do not see any happiness! Damn your stones for disappointing me!
The wall is conscious, it should curse back
No, seriously, thats not in the script.
"Deceiving me" is Thisbe's cue.
He... SHE is supposed to enter now, and I'll see her through the wall.
You'll see - it'll happen exactly as I said.
Here she comes.
Oh wall, you've heard me moaning often
because...
because you separate Pyramus from me.
My cherry lips have often kissed your bricks -
Your bricks stuck together with cement.
I hear a voice! I will go to the hole, to see if I can see Thisbe's face.
Thisbe!
My love! You are my love, I think!
Whatever you think, I am your love. I'm faithful to you like the famous Limander.
And like Helen of Troy, I'll be faithful to you.
Oh, kiss me through the hole of this annoying wall!
I'm just kissing the hole, I can't feel your lips at all!
Will you meet me at Ninny's tomb...
It's Ninus' tomb!
That's Ninus' tomb... meet me there now?
Neither life, nor death will stop me!
So I, the wall, have done my part, and can go away now.
Look, here come two noble animals - a man and a lion.
You, ladies of the audience, whose delicate hearts fear
the smallest mouse, creeping on the floor,
might quake and tremble,
when the lion roars in his most violent rage.
Everyone should know that I, Snug the joiner, am not actually a fierce lion or lioness.
If I were a lion, here to start some shit, I'd be taking my life in my hands.
Moonshine.
Let me be the moon.
This lantern represents the moon.
I am playing the man in the moon.
Just want to make it clear that this lantern is the moon,
I'm the man in the moon, this thornbush is my thornbush,
and this dog... is my dog.
Shush - here comes Thisbe.
Where is my love?
- Good roaring, lion. - Good running, Thisbe!
- Good shining, moon. - And then Pyramus shows up.
Sweet moon, I thank you for your bright beams.
I thank you, moon, for shining so bright.
Because by the light of your beam, I hope to be able to see my faithful Thisbe.
But wait!
Oh shit!
But look, poor me, what terrible tragedy is here?
Eyes... do you see?!
How can it be?!
Oh pretty darling! Oh my dear!
your cloak so fashonable, what, stained with blood?!
come, terrible furies!
Oh fate, come, come!
Cut the thread of my life!
Conquer, crush, conclude...
And kill!
Oh mother nature, why did you create lions,
A mean and vicious lion has deflowered my love.
Devoured!
Who is... no, no...
Who WAS the most beautiful lady that ever lived, that loved, that liked...
- That looked! - That looked with kindness.
Come on tears, pour over me!
Come out sword and stab me in the chest!
Yes, the left side, where my heart is.
And so... I'm dying.
Here I go!
Here I go...
Now... am I dead.
Now I am gone.
No
my soul... is in the sky.
My tongue shall see no more, moon, go away!
Now... die!
Are you asleep, my love?
What, are you dead, my love?
Oh... Oh Pyramus, get up!
Say something.
Can't you talk?
Dead? Dead?
A grave... must cover... your sweet eyes.
Your lily white lips, your cherry red nose,
Your buttercup yellow cheeks... Are gone, are gone forever...
His eyes... were as green as leeks.
Oh fate, come, come to me, with hands as pale as milk.
Soak your hands in blood, since you have cut the thread of his life with scissors.
Tongue, do not speak.
Come, trusty sword.
Come, blade... drench my breast with blood.
Goodbye, friends - this is how I die.
Moonshine and lion are left to bury the dead.
Yes, and wall too.
No! I assure you, the wall has been taken down.
Would you like to see the epilogue?
Or hear a country dance between two of us?
No epilogue, please, Your play doesn't need explaination.
There is nothing to explain, when the actors are all dead, there is no one to blame.
- "When the actors are all dead..." - "..There is no one to blame."
No, no...
"Very well done."
Oh what a relief!
The clock has chimed midnight.
Lovers, its time for bed.
Its almost fairy time.
Now, until morning, each fairy should walk through this house.
Titania and I will go to the royal marriage bed to fuck.
and the children conceived in that bed will always have good luck.
The three couples will always be faithful and in love.
Each room in this palace is blessed with sweet peace.
And the blessed owner will always be safe.
Run along. Don't stay long.
Meet me at dawn.
Very well done!
If us actors have offended you, just think of it this way...
you were asleep when you saw these visions.
and this silly and pathetic story was no more real than a dream.
Ladies and Gentlemen, don't be angry.
If you forgive us, we will make it up to you.
If not, then I'm a liar.
So, good night to everyone.
Give me a round of applause, if we're friends. And Robin will make everything up to you.